As someone who relies heavily on non-verbal cues, it can be a challenge for me to get what my hearing peers are saying right off the bat. Why? Because people with normal hearing are very deadpan when they speak (unless they are on extreme ends of the emotion scale) and they don’t realize it. Some people might say that being calm and detached while speaking is a sign of maturity and reason. I think it’s more bad than good.
The whole point of speaking in the first place is to communicate and idea or feeling with someone else. Because otherwise, why bother talking?
A tone and look of detachment makes it very hard for the listener to open up and bond with you. Even if you’re simply out to ‘give the facts,’ you’re still going to have a much harder time getting the facts across if that person doesn’t feel connected to you in some way.
Most people are terrible at non-verbal communication
Sign language is the epitome of non-verbal communication because it’s the only 100% visual language in the world. I’m not fluent in sign language at all (if you follow me on Twitter, you may have heard I started a class on American Sign Language in August). However, a lot of the tools being taught in ASL class wasn’t news to me because I’ve been utilizing them all along, thanks to my hearing loss.
For example, I use lip reading to complement what someone is saying. However a lot of hearing people have a habit of talking from behind you, from the next room, or with their face partially or fully covered in some way. Understandably because you typically don’t need to see someone to hear them. A lot of hearing people also mumble, a LOT.
Even if you’re not standing in my shoes, you can see how this comes off in a negative light. Mumbling indicates indifference and a lack of enthusiasm. Speaking to someone without directly addressing them by facing them or screaming at someone from the next room says that what you’re saying is not important or that you aren’t giving the listener the time of the day.
Facial expressions and American Sign Language
In ASL, a lot of words have the same exact sign. The only way you can tell what the sign means is by observing the person’s facial expression and body language. In Florida, the signs for sour and sweet (or candy) are exactly the same. When you want to indicate that something is sour, you would put on your best sour expression and scrunch up your shoulders as if you just placed a raw lemon slice in your mouth.
Imagine what kind of expression you would have if you were eating something sweet. Another way to clarify what you’re trying to say is to make the shape of the word with your mouth without actually saying it out loud.
Many words have their own sign, but without the matching expression, you’re not believable and ASL users will still have a hard time getting a feel for what you’re saying. For instance: the sign for happy. You wouldn’t say you’re happy without actually looking happy, right? I mean, otherwise, you’ll look like Droopy and no one will take you seriously. Would you believe you??
Poor facial expression = poor communication
Common sense, right? But the truth is hearing people actually do this! I didn’t need to go to an ASL class to learn that. Because non-verbal communication is the main reason why I’m able to get around the way I do, I’m more acutely aware of it than a lot of people.
Is it any wonder we humans are poor communicators? Too many of our words is fluff and devoid of meaning … which is why nothing meaningful translates into facial expressions. In ASL, many fluff words don’t exist and many words with similar meanings have the same sign even though the intensity of the facial expressions changes (think: angry, pissed, infuriated).
If I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve struggled to show emotion as well as I could while using ASL. After all, I grew up in the hearing world; I’ve been trained to speak and act like a hearing person even though I have the other foot in the deaf world.
Body language lessons from my cat
Facial expressions are just one piece of the puzzle. The other morning I was sitting on the couch happily sipping a drink (non-alcoholic, of course). My sister likes to play an odd game of hide-and-seek with me, except I don’t know I’m in the game. And a lot of times I can’t hear her from behind me if she’s walking or breathing. It’s like she’s channeling Michael Myers of Halloween fame, to give you a better visual. It sounds weird, I know, but bear with me.
This particular morning, my cat was sitting nearby and I was watching him. His body language was pretty stiff and he had his eyes dead-set on something across the room. He wouldn’t budge for about a minute. As you know, cats aren’t as obvious as dogs. A dog will bark at or run over to a source of distraction.
Finally I looked over to where the cat was looking and saw my sister quietly observing me from around the corner (don’t ask … my sister is … special, to say the least LOL). I called my sister out, she came out from hiding, and the cat finally relaxed, and went about his business.
Imagine how much I would have missed if I was too preoccupied with something else, such as my drink, the TV, the computer, an MP3 player, whatever.
Non-verbal communication is good news if you suck at verbal communication
One thing that has helped me a lot as far as expressing myself non-verbally is trying to be as genuine as I can. In other words, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I don’t over-practice what I’m going to say either … my life is basically one big ad-lib. I don’t really have a choice, because my face is an open book.
I’m a poor liar and I’m notorious for having a million and one expressions. In fact, people will deliberately say shocking things to me, just to see how I will react. I’m a very clunky person verbally but it makes my life easier in so many ways. My bonds with people, while few and far between, are deep and meaningful … and that’s what matters most to me.
Non-verbal communication is important to your survival and your personal growth
We really don’t pay as much attention to non-verbal cues as we should or we don’t pay attention to them until they are blatantly obvious. We’re also taught to apply the “correct” expressions where applicable and edit out “unwanted” non-verbal cues so much that we often come off as fake and detached.
From my personal experience, I truly believe that non-verbal communication makes up most of all forms of communication (although some people would beg to differ with me). In any case it’s a very important factor in our understanding of our surroundings and other people. However, most of us take it for granted. Non-verbal cues can save your life and it helps you create meaningful bonds with other humans. Without them, you’ll be hard pressed to enhance your life.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
You bring up some great points, and I think regardless of whether you’ve got one foot in the hearing world or two feet, people as a whole have become very sloppy in the way they speak. I can’t tell you how many people mumble to me and then get an attitude when asked to repeat themselves.
I also get annoyed when people will scream at me from across the house or something like that… it’s like, if you have something to say, come say it. Don’t scream upstairs from the basement and expect to pick up this clear message, cause it’s not happening! Usually I ignore those kinds of people… I figure hey, if it was important they would’ve spoken face to face!
That being said… I do have one major issue here…. the fact that you put out two articles this week and I haven’t put out any! You’re making me look bad…
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@ Travis: Sloppy, indeed. Even I catch myself doing all of the things you mentioned.
Hehe, very funny. Guess you better get to writing, eh?
I look forward to your next post, so I can plaster my obscenely long comment across your page!
Val, your cat is a baller. (lol)
I was waiting throughout the whole article for you to say that all communication is 80% non verbal.
I can look at people and give an accurate description of what kind of person they are by the way they walk,dress, talk etc. It must be from poker, or just some sort of talent.
I think your cat should play Hide ‘n’ Seek with your sister.
As for people mumbling I think it’s because people are not certain. People who are confident are certain about what they are saying.
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This is fascinating. I have no idea if my non-verbal communication sucks or not, but it sounds like it’s a common problem that most people just don’t notice. Thanks for sharing, it’s such an interesting perspective on something I didn’t know much about.
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@ Mac: My cat is indeed a balla.
I think what you said about people being uncertain and unconfident is very true. I used to be very unconfident and I used to to talk very quiet (I still do, in fact, but I like to think it’s a habit now). Opening up to people takes some guts, and you have to be willing to take the first step. Just admitting to insecurity isn’t enough.
@ Monica: Good to see you here! Thanks for the comment.
I never really questioned my own non-verbal communication until I enrolled for ASL class either, despite the fact that I notice it from everyone else. Speak of hypocrisy, huh? It was an eye-opener for me as well.