Dealing with loneliness: How to get yourself out of that funk

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and one of the books I enjoyed reading is Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick.

One of the main reasons why people become depressed is because of the lack of quality social connections. In fact, I’d even venture to say that’s the sole reason why people get depressed. I simply don’t buy that depressions come from spontaneous chemical imbalances unless those imbalances happened because a person’s social needs were not being met. On that note, antidepressants are probably the worst way to combat depression.

The paradox of loneliness

According to the book, loneliness is a built-in feedback loop (much like hunger and fatigue) that indicates to a person that something is not right. Back when we were all living in caves or wherever we came from, we needed to stay in groups to survive. Compared to most other species, we’re pretty puny in the strength and size department. The only thing we have going for us is our ability to adapt quickly and work well in social groups. So if we’re away from the group for too long, our sensors start kicking in and we start feeling the effects of loneliness.

Nowadays, we face less dangers from our external environment so there’s less need to be directly associated with a social group at all times to survive. Unfortunately, that loneliness “sensor” didn’t disappear along with those advances.

Loneliness is a funny thing, however. If you’re hungry, you eat. If you’re tired, you sleep. If you’re lonely, you’re supposed to go out and seek social connections. The irony is lonely people tend to pick up habits and thought processes that repel social connections and plunges that person deeper into feelings of loneliness and depression.

Lonely people are generally unyielding, more suspicious of others and more irritable. Newsflash, eh? In the short run, this worked well when we lived in the forest because it helped us to stay on our toes and be more aware of predators until we could reconnect with our ‘group.’ If a person feels lonely long enough, however, then they start forming completely distorted perceptions of the world around them, possibly even going mad. Other people who are socially content will then look at this person and think that he is unwilling to socialize anyway, and so they leave him alone.

The book goes into more detail about lonely people and why they behave the way they do. I found it rather fascinating, really, because I can look back in my life and see how I was perpetrating my own worries and limitations as far as being social. I can also see how other people get messed up internally for the same reasons. It helped me to see what a sham depression treatment is for the most part.

The authors also suggest that different people have varying needs for social connection due to their genes and there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem arises with how the genes interact with the environment, such as if the environment is not fulfilling a person’s social needs. Suppose two people of varying social needs aren’t getting along because one person is too ‘needy’ and the other is too ‘detached.’ Neither one of them is wrong; they just possibly aren’t right for each other. Alternatively, the ‘needy’ person should complement their needs by interacting with different people rather than expecting that one person to fulfill all of their needs.

A downward spiral into blackness

I’ve had to cope with loneliness for years so I know it definitely is no walk in the park. When you’re deep in it, it’s very hard to see how your own thoughts are destroying you and you blame everyone else. You feel like nobody understands you and that people are deliberately ignoring you. And maybe they have every right to because you aren’t worth the dirt you walk on. And you know, if you think that way … you’re totally right!

How can others understand you if you don’t understand yourself? How can others respect you if you don’t respect yourself? How can others like you if you don’t like yourself? And therein lies the disconnect in the minds of lonely people. Loneliness is an epidemic, at least in the U.S., if the social behaviors we’re seeing are any indication.

Loneliness manifests itself in different ways. We assume that lonely people are anti-social geeks who hide in their homes. Actually, lonely people often make up a good portion of the other extreme too: the attention whores, the famous and infamous celebrities, the music stars, the athletes. Sure, they look like they have a great social life when they’re in front of the camera or in public. But many of them are engaged in superficial relationships or are completely isolated when the show’s over and done.

When it comes to loneliness, the default answer seems to be that you need to be okay with being alone. Or that you must be incredibly needy to feel so lonely all the time.

I agree that there is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone; however, and again, people aren’t wrong for having higher or lower social needs. When, and only when, a person’s social needs are met, then they won’t have a problem with being alone when they have to be. Obviously, the person with lower social needs will have that met faster and will be more receptive to ‘alone’ time.

How to fulfill your social needs and beat loneliness

The first step is to access what your social needs are. Remember that social needs isn’t simply about the number of people you know – it’s what you get from who you know. In many cases the less you’re getting from each friendship, the more friendships you’ll feel the need to “collect.”

I think the easiest way to do this is to look at your best friend or your significant other. What do you like most about your relationship? What is your favorite thing to do together and why? How does being around this person make you feel? Basically what are you getting from this relationship that fulfills you? Answering these questions that will indicate what feelings and experiences you want more of. You can expand this to other people around you to find out what you like and what you don’t like.

The next step is to think about how to get more of what you’re looking for. If you like deep or intelligent communication, you can’t go looking for friends or significant others in the club. But if you like the spontaneous, “just-wanna-have-fun” attitude that your friend provides, then maybe going out on the town is a good way to meet more of the same type of people. Whatever it is you want, make sure it is congruent with where you go and what you do.

On the same token, be open-minded: try new things that appeal to you as a way to get out of the house. If you allow yourself to sit in the house all day, it’s going to be pretty hard to kick the loneliness feeling. After all, new friends won’t fall on your lap. That was the mistake I made in the past – I simply spent too much time sitting and napping around because I felt that no one would care if I went out, so why bother?

Bad strategy. Not to mention it made me feel even more lethargic than before.

I now make it a goal to try at least one new thing outside of the house at least once a week. Even if I don’t actually go with someone or meet someone new, the benefit of stimulating my brain is enough to get me into an overall positive mood that will eventually attract new people. If you’re used to feeling lonely and negative, it will take a few tries for this to ‘click.’

The positive mindset is key. It helps you appear friendlier and less suspicious of others. This is not to say you can’t attract friends and significant others if you’re suspicious or unfriendly – you’ll just end up attracting people who also don’t have it together. But most people who are looking for real, open connections can feel if you’re not open or if you don’t trust them and will avoid you.

Getting into and keeping a positive mindset is not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t beat yourself up if your social life doesn’t seem to pick up quickly. Great relationships are not always easy to come by even if you have all your stuff together.

Also remember two important things:

1. A single person cannot fulfill all of your social needs. It’s okay if you have high social needs, but don’t expect your best friend or your S.O. to fulfill all of it otherwise you will be seen, rightfully, as clingy and scare them off. It also doesn’t make your friend/S.O. mean and uncaring - so don’t take every unanswered call or whatever as a personal affront. Diversify your social life so that all your needs are comfortably met by different people who are close to you.
2. Not everyone has to be your best friend who you have deep connections with. Acquaintances and distant (literally and figuratively) friends also have their roles – to keep variety in your life and to just keep your social sensor well oiled. I love having long, deep conversations, but only once in a while. It doesn’t seem like it from reading this blog, lol. But outside of my blog, I’m pretty quiet and low key. Sometimes I just want to briefly talk to someone new about what interests them and pick their brain a little. Other times I just want to be stupid, laugh, and kill a few brain cells. Most of the time, I don’t want to talk that much – I just want to sit there quietly and be in the person’s presence. Social needs does not always equal talking. I personally think that people talk too much sometimes. Having a mixture of close and casual friends allows you to do all of this.

It also helps to read up on empowering books and sites that get you into the process of thinking positively and opening up as well as reading up on how to be more social. Tony Robbins’ Unlimited Power comes to mind. One excellent (and free) resource that I stumbled upon online a few months ago is the Succeed Socially website.

I believe that most people, except the worst cases, do not need medication to combat depression or loneliness and don’t need months and years of expensive psychiatric therapy. It’s about deciding to be positive, deciding to put yourself out there, and sticking to it.

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5. Diversifying your social circle: good or bad?

Tagged as: loneliness, positive friendships, positive relationships