InsightFULL Blog

Getting your multiple personality disorder on: figuring out what roles you play

Valerie M — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:35:58 +0000

One of the few bloggers that I enjoy reading consistently these days is Renee over at The Feminine Woman. While her topic is obviously geared towards women, I think she consistently puts out content that is beneficial to anyone who reads it, no matter what their situation is. Every time I read something she writes I walk away with a piece of advice that would be worth its weight in gold.

Recently I learned something important from her: “being yourself” is bad advice because there are several versions of “you.” She meant this in a dating or relationship kind of way. But it certainly could be applied to anyone in general. I had an ‘aha’ moment after reading that simple sentence. Now, before I sound like I have multiple personality disorder – which I don’t … I don’t think so – let me clarify.

The Hollywood Invasion

We are basically all actors. We act differently in different situations and around different people, even if we’re not aware of it. Even so, we always think that we’re just being ourselves across the board.

Actually it’s like that there is no such thing as “yourself.” What matters is what ‘hat’ you’re wearing (or what role you’re playing) at the moment. Most people tend to wear the same 3 or 4 hats the most and on a regular basis – and that specific mixture of roles can be contrived as one’s “self.”

The truth is, you are free to abandon any role you don’t like and create a new role. You can increase or decrease the occurrence of any role as well. Of course, this is easier said than done. But the fact that you can do this means that the concept of “being yourself” isn’t static at all and, on it’s own, doesn’t really mean a lot.

I guess Hollywood isn’t limited to a specific location, after all.

It’s Drama all day, every day

When I’m by myself, I tend to play a few specific roles limited to when I’m alone. But I also have a specific, dominant role that I like to use around specific friends. I’m sure you notice that pattern in your life as well. For example, one of my friends tends to be dominant and set in her ways. So when I’m around her, I’m usually more submissive and just go with the flow. Another one of my friends likes to take on a helpless, “damsel-in-distress” persona. So, around her I am more nurturing and decisive.

I know a few people who are quite forceful and uncompromising. Around them, I sometimes get equally uncompromising and take the opposite stance. A lot of people get this way unconsciously, so I’m not alone there. I know I have a low tolerance for totally uncompromising people since I try to be compromising myself. I like people who stick up for themselves but I refuse to be the only one who is compromising all the time. In other words – reciprocity is the name of the game.

However, I don’t necessarily prefer the roles where I’m wearing the pants, making all the decisions, and being argumentative. Yes, I can be opinionated and I can make decisions. Sometimes those roles are fun. I just don’t like doing it all the time. So I interact less with friendships where I have to take on that specific role more often. It’s no wonder that I’m closer to the dominant friend than I am to the damsel-in-distress friend. I don’t notice I’m doing it, but that’s what happens.

Role-playing in your life

There definitely is an individual element here that could be labeled as one’s “self”: different people have different preferences for what roles they like to be in.

However, we don’t like being locked into a single role, even if it’s the preferred role. We all have roles that we’re unaware of, or roles that are so underdeveloped that we don’t know how to act them out. Some of us may have 10+ roles “on file,” but we forget about them because we rarely use them. You just never know: you might like those roles and get a new favorite! One thing that Renee tries to do is show people how to learn new roles and embrace them.

Some common roles that I’ve played or seen people play are:

Dominant – like a traditionally masculine, man’s man.
Submissive – like a traditionally feminine woman
Creative / spiritual – I think these roles are one and the same
Adventurous / curious – can you say adrenaline junkie?
Caring / nurturing – like Mother Teresa or Princess Diana
Mediator / cooperative – like a judge
Class clown / goofy – can put a smile on anyone’s face
Nerd / bookworm – likes to stay at home reading a book
Jock / popular person – we all know examples of these, right?
Analytical / objective – like a scientist
Emotional / subjective – like a talk show host
Mister or Damsel-in-distress / woe-is-me – the world is out to get them, literally
Wallflower / introvert*
Social butterfly / extrovert*

(*Note: I personally believe ‘introvert’ and ‘extrovert’ are roles – everyone has a little of both, some people express one of them more than the other. But that’s just me.)

This list isn’t inclusive, of course. So, readers: feel free to add roles that you’ve seen in your life.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to get angry (and get a REAL mission)

Valerie M — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 13:34:08 +0000

Anger has such a bad reputation, doesn’t it? Everyone is trying to manage it, suppress it, or anything but actually feel it. Actually, I’d say people themselves give it a bad reputation, the way most of us handle our anger. Really though, any emotion can be used to your advantage, anger included.

Feel the pain and do it anyway

If you look at human history, you’ll notice that it’s full of a lot of angry people. Angry people who just happened to get stuff done. Caesar was angry. Napoleon was angry. The Pilgrims were angry. And Gandhi was one angry (expletive), except you can’t really tell.

Of course, Hitler was angry, too. And Kim Il Sung. And all the desperate people that elected them.

All of that leads me to believe that anger is NEUTRAL energy. In fact, all emotions are neutral energy: it’s up to us whether we decide to push that energy “positive” or “negative” channels through our attitudes and actions. The people who make it into history books are experts at effectively channeling emotional energy – especially “angry” energy – into a cause they care about. They found a reason for their anger (even if the reason isn’t quite “well done,” so to speak) – a reason that works for them.

Hitler really is the same as Gandhi. The only differences are in the causes they supported and the results they got out of channeling their energy.

Most of these people I mentioned have been through hell and back, literally and figuratively. They had a lot of emotions and disappointment and fire building up from day one. Maybe at first they tried to do what everyone else does: try to shrug it off and say “that’s life, suck it up.” But I’m pretty sure at some point, the pressure from stuffing in all that energy gave out and just before it exploded, they said “Hey, you know what? Eff it. Eff you, you, you and your mom. I’m angry and I don’t give a crap anymore. I’m gonna do me and you’re gonna shut up and listen, dag gummit!!”

“What does this have to do with me?”

What kind of question is that? Isn’t it obvious?!

Okay, I kid.

But really. It has plenty to do with you. And me. And everyone on this planet. You know, I’m all for being positive and seeing the bright side of every story and trying to make the best of every situation, good or bad. But you know what else? Sometimes, it’s not enough. Being positive and sun-shiny all the time has the potential to breed complacency.

I mean, if you’re okay with complacency, that’s cool and all. Like if everything in your life is exactly the way you want it to be. Yeah. I mean I can’t argue with that. Nobody can.

But if you’re in the 99% of the population who doesn’t fall into that category, complacency and positivity 24/7 are for the birds. Seriously. You can’t find a REAL mission if you have no reason to change. You can’t have a REAL mission – a REAL calling - if you’re not angry, passionate, or just plumb crazy enough.

And the truth is, most of us are already angry and fed-up and “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Obviously, if we whine and complain SO much. The problem is all that “angry” energy we have boiling inside of us is completely wasted.

Every time we open our mouths to complain but do nothing, some of that energy escapes. Every time we stuff ourselves with junk food or alcohol to mask the feeling of disappointment, some of that energy escapes. Every time we blame someone else without trying to change our part of the problem, some of that energy is wasted. Every moment we spend at a job we hate trying to look like we’re working, when we’re really just watching YouTube or ranting on Facebook, some of that energy escapes.

The energy isn’t lost, however. It just becomes negative energy that spreads, infects other people in its path, and makes them negative – and act accordingly.

So, there’s a lot of energy to go around. It’s just not being utilized efficiently. Chances are you haven’t been utilizing it efficiently. Neither have I.

Finding a REAL mission and channeling your anger

Are you angry this morning? Were you angry at any time this week? Why?

Usually when we get angry at little things, like traffic jams or why someone left the toilet seat up (or down) ONCE AGAIN, it’s usually not that simple. Because we’re not really aware of why we’re getting angry, that irritability factor just keeps growing and growing until we can’t be satisfied with anything.

It’s most likely because we keep trying to suppress our anger and frustration for a major situation in our lives.

A lot of times that situation looks pretty harmless. Like your job or your school. Maybe your family gets on your nerves and gets in your way. Maybe your friends suck. But those things are normal, right? Everyone is supposed to have a job and go to school at some point of their lives. And you can’t pick your family, so you better love them anyway. Then you think maybe the problem is you. And maybe you ought to suck it up and deal with it.

Except you know it ain’t so.

The reason is because you’re a man/woman/womyn without a cause.

The “Ask-yourself-why-until-you-want-to-pull-your-hair-out-and-shoot-kittens-in-rage” strategy

You know those like those cute bright-eyed 4-year old children who just won’t be quiet? Everything is brand spanking new to them and they want to know the answers to everything their little minds can think up. Really, it’s cute except when it gets annoying. But, hey, those little kids have something going there. You can try it yourself. Ask yourself: what’s REALLY making you angry? Really. And keep asking why.

“I’m angry because of this traffic jam.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to be late.”

“Why?”

“Because I overslept.”

“Why?”

“Because I went to sleep too late.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want the day to end.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to wake up and do it [whatever 'it' is] all over again.”

“Why?”

And so on until you can’t ask why anymore. When you get to the bottom of it, then you know – now we’re talking. NOW we’re getting to some real reasons and NOW we’re getting to a real mission, a real purpose, a real reason. Now that you know why you’re angry, you won’t feel ashamed for being angry in the first place.

It’s true – misplaced anger does make people feel stupid and they try to hide it in stupid ways, then it blows up in their face.

You don’t have to be one of them. You also don’t need to have this huge calling like Napoleon and save the world and end up in history books in 50 languages. Then people erect statues of you all over the place and children weep and sing whenever they hear your name for the next 10 millennia … yea … no, you don’t need to do all that. You just need a reason that matters to you. I mean if you get all of that recognition for it, that’s just the icing on the cake.

But you get my point. Keep it simple. Find the cause. Throw everything you got into it. And tell everyone who objects to “go fly a kite … kick rocks … hug a tree - you’re with me or you aren’t.”

So to sum it up. Misplaced anger = bad, wasted energy. Anger with a reason and a plan = good, productive energy. Unless you’re Hitler. But even he did more than the masses.

Readers: Do you know why you’re angry? What are you doing about it?

**If you’re new here and enjoyed this post, be sure to subscribe for future posts and updates. And feel free to share this post … I’d really appreciate it! Don’t forget to introduce yourself in the comments. Don’t be shy … I don’t bite. You can also add me on Twitter (@valeriemondesir).**

The problem with collecting degrees without a ‘goal’ and without experience…

Valerie M — Thu, 20 May 2010 14:22:21 +0000

… as I’ve come to learn, is you’re not learning and mastering any concrete, valuable skills along the way that attracts opportunity to you and makes people want to keep you around. After all, what is the world going to do with a flimsy piece of paper with some calligraphy on it?

Don’t get me wrong: I am not totally condoning the schools. But remember it’s still a big business and you’re just another source of income. Make sure you’re getting what you pay for – and I DON’T mean a 4.0 GPA. By itself, GPAs prove nothing.

If you have a well-thought out mission and a concrete, actionable goal that absolutely requires a degree. Great, the education system will take you in … and it’s a fair trade. Tit for tat.

If you don’t, the education system will take you in anyway… and attempt to steal not only your money and your freedom to think, but the most valuable commodity you have: your time.

This is a $35,000 lesson brought to you for free by yours truly. And that doesn’t even include all the indirect and the opportunity costs. So I urge you to think about that before you mindlessly “invest” time OR money in getting yet another degree from yet another educational institution — because even free tuition isn’t quite free. I’m also taking time off for myself to do the same.

You may even find that there are other cheaper and more stimulating avenues to obtain the education you need. Education is NOT a monopoly. No matter what anyone would have you believe.

As my good friend Clément Yeung often quips, more or less: “The 1’s and the 0’s are becoming more visible everyday.”

Another note. No matter which avenue you take, you should always be self-educating yourself. Always. If you want to get into the habit of self-educating yourself, pick up this book. I’ve been implementing these a lot of the strategies mentioned in this book all my life and to see it in print felt liberating. I highly recommend it.

If, for some reason, you don’t have a spare $14 lying around (I don’t see why not if you have thousands of dollars to sink into a piece of paper with your name on it), check out this blog as a starting point. You can also watch some TED talks to get the wheels in your brain spinning with ideas. People with ideas (or the ability to build upon existing ideas) and the will to act on them are the real movers and shakers. Ideas and action are the only recession-proof “degrees” you can ever obtain.

And if you’re interested in hearing a new point of view to challenge your beliefs about the education system, check out these FREE books available online:

Deschooling Society

and

The Underground History of American Education

*Getting off soapbox.*

Finding the courage to start telling better lies. And acting on it.

Valerie M — Mon, 10 May 2010 20:36:15 +0000

One of the hardest things for many of us to do is to DO. You know – as in “just do it.” We can talk all day until we’re blue in the face but it’s a cold day in hell before we muster up the courage to get our hands dirty in the pig pen of life. I’m certainly no exception. The majority of all the talk that comes out of our mouths is really just a cover up for the fears, the insecurities, and the anxieties going on in the back of our minds. Here, I am no exception. We’ll look up to successful people and hide behind their words of inspiration without actually applying them to our own lives. And once again, I am no exception.

What all that noise really does is cover up what our intuition has been telling us all along – if we’d just give it a chance and listen.

Do you ever feel like an imposter? Like you’re living a double life? You wonder how long you can keep up with this charade and how long it’s going to take before someone reveals you for the hoax you are?

Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only one lying.

The truth is most of us are imposters. We steal ideas and thoughts from others and use them as if they were our own. Sometimes we give those words our own creative twist. But then our words and our actions never quite match up the way they’re supposed to. And even when they do – they’re still lies. Technically, we lie to others and to ourselves all day long.

And that’s okay.

Being an imposter has its benefits. Life is what you think it is and the fastest way to change the way you think is to adopt new thought processes until you truly believe them. If you look at it like this, everything is a lie until you believe it. Even if you believe it, it’s a lie to others.

For example: this post is a lie, unless you believe it. Only you can give anything I say on here a life of its own. And everything I’ve written in this blog represents stolen lies [thoughts] from different things I’ve seen and heard throughout my life. Plagiarism, much? But plagiarism doesn’t exist because the opposite of it doesn’t. Just like how light exists simply because its opposite, darkness, does.

Tell me: have you ever heard a truly original lie [thought]?

Anyway. Faking-it-til-you-make-it. It’s quite an unoriginal lie [thought], right? But a good one if you know how to use it. Except most people just fake it and never make it. All this lying for nothing. Why would anyone let a good lie go down the drain, right? Beats me – maybe they don’t have what it takes to make it.

So what does it take to make it, then?

I’d say the answer is courage. Some of us never make it because we’re too scared to. We’re scared of the person we might become because it’s so unfamiliar to who we are now. We’re scared of what we might have to sacrifice to become that person, even if the sacrifices aren’t as big as we make them out to be.

But then some of us reach a tipping point: we get brave. It doesn’t mean we aren’t scared. It just means the desire to ‘be’ overcomes the fear of being. It’s when we remember that all of our fears are lies. The insecurities are lies. The sacrifices are lies. Heck, ‘being’ is a lie. And some lies get old. So then we give up those lies and create another set of lies to believe and act on. Instant courage.

Yes, courage is a lie, mixed in with a lot of action. But if one lie works better than another, what’s the harm? Especially if you can physically do something to prove the lie. Any lie can be proven, if you put your mind to it. Like when I lie to myself and believe that I can make $1 million in 5 years. Or I’ll fly to every country in the world by the time I’m 30. The only thing left to do is prove it. To yourself and only yourself.

I guess those people who said the world is flat were right after all… A lie is a truth is a lie, depending on who’s asking.

The world’s your science laboratory, is it not? Anything you say goes. You just have to prove it. And you know – I’m beginning to think it’s far easier to accomplish that than we like to think.

Is your bad posture sabotaging your success? And how to fix it.

Valerie M — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 11:14:36 +0000

Yep, I said it: Your bad posture is the reason why you’re failing miserably and why you’ll never amount to anything in life. Did I get your attention? Good. *wink*

I realize that the title is a tad bit exaggerated but still – it should go without saying that there is a grain of truth in it. For one, bas posture is a symptom of things going on in your body and in your mind that may be indicative of suboptimal energy levels and limiting, defeating beliefs. And we all know that if you don’t have the energy and if you don’t have the belief, success will be an uphill battle.

Why bad posture happens

The most obvious reason why bad people have bad posture, medical and spinal conditions aside, is because they have a weak core. These people probably do not exercise enough or they are not exercising effectively, neglecting to work on their abdomen and back muscles.

The truth is, a nice set of legs, a firm backside, and some toned arms will mean nothing if you’re slouching. You’ll still look tired and drained of energy to others no matter how ‘hot’ your body looks.

A second reason for bad posture – and I’m guilty of this – is due to sitting in chairs in front of a computer or a TV all day. When you’re sitting in the same spot for hours at a time it is tempting to get comfortable and sink deeper into your seat without realizing that you’re not sitting up properly. Not to mention, most chairs out there simply aren’t supportive enough for hours upon hours at a time.

The problem with sitting in front of a screen all day is that your brain will get fried, your blood will stop flowing freely, and it’s ten times easier to get caught in a negative repeating thought pattern. Your brain isn’t being stimulated enough, and so you divert into old thinking habits.

Finally, being tense is another reason why your posture can suck. This one sounds counterintuitive to everything I just said but anxiety can and does coexist with slouching postures and fatigue. Anxiety of different forms can arise from negative thought patterns and the lack of energy from a sedentary lifestyle.

When you’re in your comfort zone, which is a very limited area for a lot of people, you’re “too” relaxed and it shows. But the minute you leave your comfort zone or even think about the prospect of doing so (which is easy to do when you’re wallowing in all sorts of nonsense thoughts), your body shifts into its anxious mode and your body tightens up – but not in a good way.

Making the connection between posture and success

If you noticed, all the reasons I listed above are interconnected somehow. If you don’t move, you’re not stimulated. If you’re not stimulated, you’ll fall back into old or defeating thought patterns. If you’re having negative thought patterns, you’ll fluctuate from being entirely zapped of energy or extremely anxious for long periods of time. And all of this will obviously manifest itself physically throughout your body. Namely, poor posture and a suboptimal metabolism.

Lots of people don’t like going to the gym or anything that “feels” like exercise (i.e. a chore). But it doesn’t have to be exercise in the modern sense. People were constantly exercising long before it was compartmentalized and labeled as ‘exercise.’ Our ancestors got by fine without being an obese society because they weren’t sitting around all day, grabbing whatever’s convenient. They were out hunting, tending their farms, walking miles a day/week because there were no cars, etc, etc. They had no choice if they wanted to eat and put a roof over their heads.

If people were to detach themselves from a screen and actually get moving a lot more, developing stronger muscle tones, getting the blood flowing, and maintaining weight would be less of an issue. And once you’re out and moving, it’s hard to break that inertia and let yourself wallow in your thoughts 24/7.

I’d venture to say that success isn’t a set of external factors (e.g. money, degrees, job) – rather, it is an attitude. Usually with the right attitude, the physical evidence will follow, but it still boils down to attitude. And it’s difficult to get that winning attitude when your physiology and posture are “dragging” you down with them, literally.

Building up your posture

This is an ongoing project for me, because as much as I sit in front of the computer, I need to keep coming up with activities and habits that will reinforce good posture and poise. Not to mention all the years of bad posture isn’t going away and staying away overnight.

The easiest thing to do is to get down and do sit ups and other resistance exercises. This is quick and easy as it can be done in less than ten minutes at any time of the day. I generally like to do a few sets of sit ups after a jog, or at least in the morning or before bed. I’m sure there are exercises you can do in front of a screen, such as making a conscious effort to sit up straight for 10 minutes, while tensing up your core muscles and holding everything in. Rinse and repeat a few times a day.

You can also get into yoga or pilates if you want to take it to another level. This does require a certain amount of flexibility as well, but this can be learned. You don’t have to take a bunch of expensive classes to learn it, especially if you’re just starting out. There are plenty of free videos online and cheap DVDs to be had and watched.

A fun thing I like to do is take dance classes a few times a week. It really doesn’t matter what kind of dance it is as long as you’re interested. All dances require you to carry your body in a certain way. Slumping is a big no-no. With practice, that kind of grace will become effortless. And it doesn’t matter if you “can’t dance.” I’m certainly not the greatest dancer in the world – but how can I expect to be when I never tried dancing that much in the past. Unless you’re entering into competitions (and even then), it’s all about having fun and releasing the worries, while unknowingly learning how to carry yourself. And it doesn’t just have to be golf. It can be something like golf, modeling classes, or even just doing cartwheels. Use your imagination!

Finally, if you know you’re going to be sitting in front of a screen for hours at a time, it may be beneficial to buy ergonomic office equipment. If you’re going to be sitting on a chair for 40 hours a week, doesn’t it make sense to ‘invest’ in a chair that will make you comfortable and help you sit up correctly. Wouldn’t an ergonomic keyboard help matters greatly? Suppose the crap really hits the fan and you can’t remember to sit up straight to save your life. Get yourself a posture brace and where until you get a hang of it. Yea, it looks like something your grandma would wear, but eh… desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

My final thought is no matter what you do, you still need to make it a point to step away from your routine a few times a day and get your blood pumping with fresh air. This is why people will tell you to go for short walks when sitting on long flights. It’s not just for cranky old people who cramp up all the time. After an energizing walk or activity, you’re more likely to stand/sit up straight, think better, and release any tension you may have.

Readers: Thoughts, suggestions? Comment!

Dealing with loneliness: How to get yourself out of that funk

Valerie M — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 11:03:12 +0000

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and one of the books I enjoyed reading is Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick.

One of the main reasons why people become depressed is because of the lack of quality social connections. In fact, I’d even venture to say that’s the sole reason why people get depressed. I simply don’t buy that depressions come from spontaneous chemical imbalances unless those imbalances happened because a person’s social needs were not being met. On that note, antidepressants are probably the worst way to combat depression.

The paradox of loneliness

According to the book, loneliness is a built-in feedback loop (much like hunger and fatigue) that indicates to a person that something is not right. Back when we were all living in caves or wherever we came from, we needed to stay in groups to survive. Compared to most other species, we’re pretty puny in the strength and size department. The only thing we have going for us is our ability to adapt quickly and work well in social groups. So if we’re away from the group for too long, our sensors start kicking in and we start feeling the effects of loneliness.

Nowadays, we face less dangers from our external environment so there’s less need to be directly associated with a social group at all times to survive. Unfortunately, that loneliness “sensor” didn’t disappear along with those advances.

Loneliness is a funny thing, however. If you’re hungry, you eat. If you’re tired, you sleep. If you’re lonely, you’re supposed to go out and seek social connections. The irony is lonely people tend to pick up habits and thought processes that repel social connections and plunges that person deeper into feelings of loneliness and depression.

Lonely people are generally unyielding, more suspicious of others and more irritable. Newsflash, eh? In the short run, this worked well when we lived in the forest because it helped us to stay on our toes and be more aware of predators until we could reconnect with our ‘group.’ If a person feels lonely long enough, however, then they start forming completely distorted perceptions of the world around them, possibly even going mad. Other people who are socially content will then look at this person and think that he is unwilling to socialize anyway, and so they leave him alone.

The book goes into more detail about lonely people and why they behave the way they do. I found it rather fascinating, really, because I can look back in my life and see how I was perpetrating my own worries and limitations as far as being social. I can also see how other people get messed up internally for the same reasons. It helped me to see what a sham depression treatment is for the most part.

The authors also suggest that different people have varying needs for social connection due to their genes and there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem arises with how the genes interact with the environment, such as if the environment is not fulfilling a person’s social needs. Suppose two people of varying social needs aren’t getting along because one person is too ‘needy’ and the other is too ‘detached.’ Neither one of them is wrong; they just possibly aren’t right for each other. Alternatively, the ‘needy’ person should complement their needs by interacting with different people rather than expecting that one person to fulfill all of their needs.

A downward spiral into blackness

I’ve had to cope with loneliness for years so I know it definitely is no walk in the park. When you’re deep in it, it’s very hard to see how your own thoughts are destroying you and you blame everyone else. You feel like nobody understands you and that people are deliberately ignoring you. And maybe they have every right to because you aren’t worth the dirt you walk on. And you know, if you think that way … you’re totally right!

How can others understand you if you don’t understand yourself? How can others respect you if you don’t respect yourself? How can others like you if you don’t like yourself? And therein lies the disconnect in the minds of lonely people. Loneliness is an epidemic, at least in the U.S., if the social behaviors we’re seeing are any indication.

Loneliness manifests itself in different ways. We assume that lonely people are anti-social geeks who hide in their homes. Actually, lonely people often make up a good portion of the other extreme too: the attention whores, the famous and infamous celebrities, the music stars, the athletes. Sure, they look like they have a great social life when they’re in front of the camera or in public. But many of them are engaged in superficial relationships or are completely isolated when the show’s over and done.

When it comes to loneliness, the default answer seems to be that you need to be okay with being alone. Or that you must be incredibly needy to feel so lonely all the time.

I agree that there is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone; however, and again, people aren’t wrong for having higher or lower social needs. When, and only when, a person’s social needs are met, then they won’t have a problem with being alone when they have to be. Obviously, the person with lower social needs will have that met faster and will be more receptive to ‘alone’ time.

How to fulfill your social needs and beat loneliness

The first step is to access what your social needs are. Remember that social needs isn’t simply about the number of people you know – it’s what you get from who you know. In many cases the less you’re getting from each friendship, the more friendships you’ll feel the need to “collect.”

I think the easiest way to do this is to look at your best friend or your significant other. What do you like most about your relationship? What is your favorite thing to do together and why? How does being around this person make you feel? Basically what are you getting from this relationship that fulfills you? Answering these questions that will indicate what feelings and experiences you want more of. You can expand this to other people around you to find out what you like and what you don’t like.

The next step is to think about how to get more of what you’re looking for. If you like deep or intelligent communication, you can’t go looking for friends or significant others in the club. But if you like the spontaneous, “just-wanna-have-fun” attitude that your friend provides, then maybe going out on the town is a good way to meet more of the same type of people. Whatever it is you want, make sure it is congruent with where you go and what you do.

On the same token, be open-minded: try new things that appeal to you as a way to get out of the house. If you allow yourself to sit in the house all day, it’s going to be pretty hard to kick the loneliness feeling. After all, new friends won’t fall on your lap. That was the mistake I made in the past – I simply spent too much time sitting and napping around because I felt that no one would care if I went out, so why bother?

Bad strategy. Not to mention it made me feel even more lethargic than before.

I now make it a goal to try at least one new thing outside of the house at least once a week. Even if I don’t actually go with someone or meet someone new, the benefit of stimulating my brain is enough to get me into an overall positive mood that will eventually attract new people. If you’re used to feeling lonely and negative, it will take a few tries for this to ‘click.’

The positive mindset is key. It helps you appear friendlier and less suspicious of others. This is not to say you can’t attract friends and significant others if you’re suspicious or unfriendly – you’ll just end up attracting people who also don’t have it together. But most people who are looking for real, open connections can feel if you’re not open or if you don’t trust them and will avoid you.

Getting into and keeping a positive mindset is not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t beat yourself up if your social life doesn’t seem to pick up quickly. Great relationships are not always easy to come by even if you have all your stuff together.

Also remember two important things:

A single person cannot fulfill all of your social needs. It’s okay if you have high social needs, but don’t expect your best friend or your S.O. to fulfill all of it otherwise you will be seen, rightfully, as clingy and scare them off. It also doesn’t make your friend/S.O. mean and uncaring - so don’t take every unanswered call or whatever as a personal affront. Diversify your social life so that all your needs are comfortably met by different people who are close to you.
Not everyone has to be your best friend who you have deep connections with. Acquaintances and distant (literally and figuratively) friends also have their roles – to keep variety in your life and to just keep your social sensor well oiled. I love having long, deep conversations, but only once in a while. It doesn’t seem like it from reading this blog, lol. But outside of my blog, I’m pretty quiet and low key. Sometimes I just want to briefly talk to someone new about what interests them and pick their brain a little. Other times I just want to be stupid, laugh, and kill a few brain cells. Most of the time, I don’t want to talk that much – I just want to sit there quietly and be in the person’s presence. Social needs does not always equal talking. I personally think that people talk too much sometimes. Having a mixture of close and casual friends allows you to do all of this.

It also helps to read up on empowering books and sites that get you into the process of thinking positively and opening up as well as reading up on how to be more social. Tony Robbins’ Unlimited Power comes to mind. One excellent (and free) resource that I stumbled upon online a few months ago is the Succeed Socially website.

I believe that most people, except the worst cases, do not need medication to combat depression or loneliness and don’t need months and years of expensive psychiatric therapy. It’s about deciding to be positive, deciding to put yourself out there, and sticking to it.

Life’s a beach, don’t ass.u.me otherwise (and why the world doesn’t revolve around you)

Valerie M — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:09:00 +0000

I have come to the conclusion that you’re just not going to understand everything there is to understand and you’re never going to know all the answers no matter how hard you try.

I know, right? “NEWSFLASH, Valerie!”

Okay, okay – so I knew that all along, but it still doesn’t stop me from occasionally trying to rationalize everything so my puny little ego doesn’t implode and vomit all over itself. With all the futile attempts of mental fencing that’s been going on in my head thus far, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already!

You’re just making an ass (out of) u (and) me

We assume a lot, don’t we? And a lot of the time it’s completely unconscious. It started out as a way for the brain to quickly sort information and get it out of the way so you could move on to the next thing. I mean, what else is it supposed to do when you’re bombarded with hundreds of different kinds of stimuli per minute?

Sometimes, though, we take this mechanism to a whole ‘nother level. It’s synonymous with a chimp studying a computer for hours and trying to turn on the monitor with no apparent power button on it. Eventually you’ll end up either a) breaking the computer or b) completely forgetting why you’ve come in the first place.

It would have been much easier to walk away after a certain point. Or just ask someone for help.

This scenario often pops up when we’re trying to figure out other people. We assume we know exactly what’s going through their minds. Of COURSE, by default they’re supposed to think like you … so why shouldn’t you make that assumption?

Unfortanately that’s what starts fights and a whole bunch of unnecessary drama.

Is your friend pissing you off? Or are YOU pissing yourself off?

Say you’re fuming over why your friend or your significant other hasn’t called you yet today. Or maybe they’re late again to meet up you’ve agreed to. You quickly assume that they’re ignoring you once again even though you’ve already complained about it. Maybe they’re deliberately trying to push your hot buttons. Because, after all, they’ve got nothing better to do than to plot various ways to piss you off.

Or maybe they’re just rude, inconsiderate jerks who don’t care about you at all even though you deserve their undivided attention for all the work you’ve put into this friendship and/or relationship.

Maybe all of those things could be correct … but how do you know for sure? And until you do, how does that attitude benefit you other than causing your blood pressure to rise. Besides, it’s just as likely that all of these assumptions are wrong.

At the end of the day, does it really matter when they call as long as they do at some point during the day? Does it matter if they show up 30 minutes late if you two end up enjoying your time together?

Does that late phone call have to put you in a pissy mood all day? Do those 30 minutes have to ruin the entire date? If you have enough time to fume over 30 minutes, you have enough time to pick up that book you’ve been wanting to read for the past three months.

If it really does bother you, just ask the object of your fury why they’re acting that way. Problem solved. OH.. and save the vague Facebook pissing-contest statuses, please. You know … the ones that rant about someone’s actions without actually addressing the person specifically. The ones that not-so-subtly suggest how bad you have it cause everyone is your enemy.

Ironically, I may kind of be doing the same thing now by saying that, but, uh… yea… (sheepishly walks away, tail between legs). No, just kiddin’. Haha.

Ego, ego, ego rockin’ everywhere

ANYWAY. I do have a point to make.

We all think like this from time to time because we have a tendency to believe that the world revolves around us. Even if we’re the most negative miser around who claims not to give a crap about what anyone thinks, we really actually think the world revolves around us – or rather, the world is out to get us every step of the way.

If that’s not the ego functioning at its most bloated state, I don’t know what is.

The harsh truth is, most people don’t really give a crap about you. And I mean that in the most positive way it can be conveyed. To put it another way: if everyone is so self-absorbed about what the world thinks of them, then how are they possibly going to find all that time to contemplate how they feel about you?

It doesn’t mean that people don’t care about you. It also doesn’t mean that people hate you. It just means that they’re just not thinking about you every second of every day. As it should be – because the only person’s opinion you need to truly be concerned about is your own.

Personally, I feel like knowing this makes everything easier and opens a whole new set of doors that allow you to truly care about other people. It sounds contradictory on the surface, but in spirit it’s not.

Which comes first: the beach or the sand? Does it matter?

If you understand that most people aren’t really forming opinions about you or acting against you, then you become more aware of your own thought processes, as well as your own desires and needs. You become more at ease with yourself and do things because you want to, not simply to get a desired reaction from others.

Eventually you begin to see the world as bigger than yourself: the world does not, in fact, revolve around you at all and your opinion is just a speck of sand on the beach. It doesn’t make your opinion any less important, because the beach cannot survive without ALL the specks of sand that make it up. But it helps you understand that your speck isn’t any better than the next person’s and their opinions are equally valid.

That’s where a lot of assumptions arise from: thinking that your opinion IS the beach and therefore, everyone should be thinking like you.

I don’t know about you. But when I understand that other people have as much as a right to be here as I do and that I’m not the most important person on the planet, it makes me want to give back. It makes me want to be more considerate towards others. It makes me want to put my own crap in the back burner (within reason) in order to let other people pass through and reach out.

That is how being aware of yourself and your place on this earth helps you to relate to others. Putting down your ego by being aware of your thoughts and not allowing others to manipulate them is not selfish. It’s the best thing you can do for mankind and nature.

Modern-Day Pinocchio: Exploring our own humanity

Valerie M — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 11:08:19 +0000

“If being human is not simply a matter of being born flesh and blood – if it is instead a way of thinking, acting, and feeling – then I am hopeful that one day I will discover my own humanity. Until then … I will continue learning, changing, growing, and trying to become more than what I am.”

– Data in Data’s Day, Star Trek: The Next Generation

As is obvious by now, I am a huge Star Trek fan – closely bordering on obsession, really. I just don’t feel the need to watch anything else. For me, Star Trek does to television what Shakespeare does for literature. It attempts to explore humanity and human behavior and does so through elegant screenwriting and the skills of its actors.

To demonstrate, there have been quite a few episodes that have literally moved me to tears and have kept me up half the night. Other episodes, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. If I haven’t hammered the last nail on my sanity’s coffin by now, I’m sure this will do it. But I just don’t care – it’s that good to me.

It’s pronounced ‘Day-ta,’ not ‘Dah-ta’…

One of my favorite characters in Star Trek is Data, the world’s only fully functional android (aside from his ‘brother,’ who is a rogue). Now, to me this isn’t shocking because I tend to like shows and movies that center on androids and robots. I-Robot, Bicentennial Man, Artificial Intelligence, Wall-E, you name it – I’m a sucker for it.

Now Data’s biggest dream is to be human. While he can walk, talk, and generally act human, his designer didn’t give him the ability to experience emotions. Nonetheless, he’s constantly on a quest to discover human emotions, relationships, and other nuances that are uniquely human. He has this great sense of wonder and a never-ending curiosity that drives people crazy at times and gets him into silly situations, but makes him all the more loveable.

And despite all of his strengths as an android and his ability to be logical, not having emotions that cloud his judgment, he’d give it all up to be human. This is in spite of other’s reassurances that he is indeed sentient and has every right to be there as everyone else.

There was even an episode where Captain Picard took another scientist to court and fought for Data’s rights as a sentient being – another episode that also leaves me bawling every time. In another episode, Data desired to procreate so he created his own offspring, a daughter named Lal, who unfortunately failed (died) shortly after. Yep – more tears.

By the way, I swear I normally don’t cry that much. It’s just that Star Trek seems to have this extraordinary grip and control of my tear ducts.

Pinocchio, Reincarnated

In a sense, Data is like a modern-day Pinocchio. Instead of wood, he’s made of a bunch of circuits and heavy metals. Instead of strings, he’s limited to what his positronic, computer brain can do.

As is shown in the quote at the beginning of this post, Data strives to grow and overcome his limitations. But ironically, in his effort to do so, Data actually becomes human. In his quest to become “more than he is,” by his own admission, there is the makings of emotion – desire, faith, sadness, happiness, disappointment.

It makes me think, isn’t that what being human is? Isn’t that what sets us apart from other species?

Anything can learn how to walk upright. Anything can have an instinct and blindly follow it. Anything can breathe and circulate nutrients around. Anything can have a “brain” in the loosest sense of the word. For what is a brain, except a network of [insert any word here] firing “messages” at each other?

Redefining humanity … or maybe that’s what it was all along

Being human isn’t about having your skin look a certain way and what your bones are made of. It’s about moving beyond our base behavior and exploring altered states of mind. It’s about having the ability to creatively push ourselves beyond our perceived capabilities. It’s about learning to adapt to our environment and then adapting our environment to suit us.

And that’s what we do. We’re just like Pinocchio. Just like Data. Not better than him. Not less than him. Just like him we don’t understand emotions – no matter how hard we try to break them apart and rationalize it with logic. And yet, we’re still entirely fueled by them.

Every day we strive to be better than what we are. Sometimes we fall far short of our expectations. A lot of times it doesn’t turn out the way we’d like. Often we’re temporarily set back and other times we want to give up completely (and do). And all too frequently we leave even more confused than ever. Just like Data.

At the end of the day, that’s what matters – that’s what makes us ‘human.’ That we dreamed. That we showed up. That we gave it our all.

Does it make him any less human than us? Does it make us any less ‘android’ than him? What’s the difference?

Does it matter?

Readers: Thoughts? Ideas? Random spurts of creativity? Share!

Knowing who you are and why you’re here (and why I have Jeremy to thank)

Valerie M — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 11:20:25 +0000

One of the people I’ve met online that I really enjoy chatting with is Jeremy Noel Johnson. He really is a great guy with huge dreams that puts even me to shame. He’s come a long way and has done a lot in his short time on the web, running several sites and I have no doubt whatsoever that this is only the beginning for him. He’s been to Ireland for two years doing community service. He’s written an entire fantasy fiction book on his own time and is in the process of looking for a publisher. He’s written a short (free) e-book on using movement to increase motivation and passion. He comes up with creative ways to get people going. All the while he’s got his hands full with a full time job as a programmer and a lovely family with two little girls, one of which is just over a month old. Hi, Jerm! *waves*

And much like I’ve pointed out in my comparison post, all of that only inspires me to be a better person and really work to achieve my dreams.

Clearly defined goals and values are the key to a successful, happy life

One of the things we’ve talked about is the importance of clearly defining your goals. If you don’t know who you are, where you stand, and where you want to go … well, then you’ll set yourself up for a life of inertia and frustration.

Jeremy encouraged me to really sit down, think about the things I want, and to actually spell them out clearly. At first he did an interview with me, which you can read here. But privately we’ve exchanged many goals and lists. I’ve done this before, of course, but it was never as focused as I’m doing now. As a result I’ve obtained a higher level of clarity that leaves me more confident and sure about what I’m doing. For that, I’m grateful.

Recently, Jeremy posted another interview that he found on his site. It’s basically the same theme of clearly defining who you are and why you believe you’ve been placed on this earth. Doing it publicly makes it even more powerful because now other people will hold you accountable for your actions.

I’m a bit behind in posting this, but I think it’s important to take the time to think about these things. Once you define something for yourself, your brain accepts it as the truth and acts accordingly. And based off what you believe and how you act, the Universe will work with that. If you’d like, you can also complete the interview, post it on your site or you can just post it in the comments. Before this fanfest gets completely out of hand (as if it hasn’t already!), I’ll start first and share my responses.

“What Is Your Purpose?” Interview

(Inspired by Lana, from Daring Clarity via Jeremy Noel Johnson)

1. If there was one word that would define everything you do, strive for and resonate with, what would that be? Connectedness.

2. What is (are) the core feeling(s) that drive(s) everything you do? On the positive end: Love (and the desire to love others) and gratitude (for everything that’s been done for me). On the negative end: frustration (with myself and for others) and regret (for all that I was too scared to do in the past).

3. What are the things you are most proud of from what you’ve accomplished or did so far in life? I’ve done a lot academically despite my “disabilities,” I’ve performed hundreds of hours of community service in my community, and I’ve cultivated great relationships with the people closest to me.

4. What is your genius, what are your talents? Flexibility, open-mindedness, and the ability to easily see, relate to, and argue for others’ point of views even if I don’t necessarily agree. I’m also good at seeing things and conveying things visually, through metaphor and through art. I see myself as a fledgling “universal communicator.”

5. If you were to start your career/business all over again, what would you do differently? I would have thought about my options more, majored in something different (specifically economics and nutrition – I’m interested in both and study both in my spare time), and started a business much sooner (while I was still in undergraduate).

6. What do you crave? More, deeper human connections and more personal freedoms away from most societal norms.

7. What do you want less of in your life? Less pressure from outside sources to continue down a pre-arranged path. Although admittedly I give these outside sources the power to do so.

8. What annoys you the most? When people are unaware of or are too afraid to let go of their own limited worldviews. Ironically, this is what annoys me the most about myself although I’m slowly overcoming it.

9. If there was one thing you could revolutionize, what would that be? Human connections and relationships. I often have a hard time understanding how so many people can be on completely different pages and allow stubbornness to easily destroy bonds, even though at the end of the day we all want and desire similar things. Actually, I do understand why – I just don’t like it. Pride and sticking for your beliefs are fine when necessary, but to me, it matters more to be fluid and accepting the majority of the time.

10. What are the best realizations you had that changed your life? “If you don’t choose what you want out of life, someone else will choose for you” and “Imperfection is perfection – mistakes are unavoidable, nonnegotiable, and worth every bit of pain and confusion they cause.”

11. What do you love? My family. When people are passionate about something and chase that passion regardless of the odds. Good homemade food. A good metaphor. Star Trek. Pets. Love. The simple pleasures in life.

12. What is the best material gift one can give you and why? A computer with internet capabilities. When used right, it can open so many doors and expose one to a variety of ideas and positivity. You just need to look past the ‘noise.’

13. What is your favorite flower and what do you see in it? Lilies of all kinds, because despite their gaudy displays of color and form, they have an understated grace about them. I like orchids too, for similar reasons.

14. What advice would you give your 18 year old Self? Stop worrying, disregard most of the “rules,” and go boldly where no one has gone before.

15. What are you most proud of in your country/people? The amount of opportunities available here for anyone willing to grab them.

16. Did you have a job that you hated in the past and if yes, why? Very funny! I didn’t particularly like any of them thus far because I felt/feel too closed in.

And thus ends the interview. Hope you enjoyed it and I hope it inspired you to think about your own purpose!

Just do it: Put your sneakers on and walk backwards

Unleash your inner tiger: Speak softly and carry a big stick

Valerie M — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 11:05:00 +0000

Ever since I saw the Lion King when it first came out in 1992, I have always loved big (and little) cats. But out of them all, my favorite big cats are tigers: they’re furry balls of magnificent, no-nonsense, and cuteness all rolled into one. They successfully walk a delicate balance of being strikingly beautiful and dangerous when need be.

Okay so technically, all wild animals fill that role – but just let a girl obsess over some tigers for now, yea?

WWTD: What Would a Tiger Do?

I often think to myself, what if I lived my life like a tiger – what would be different? How would I approach my life?

Before we can answer that, we need to understand the nature of the tiger. First of all tigers are solitary animals and territorial, at that. Because they’re mostly on their own they’ve got to be leaders and take charge, or else they’ll die. They’ve got to be aware of their surroundings, pick their battles, fight for what’s theirs, and quickly move on when the stakes are too high.

Secondly, tigers are highly adaptable. They can flourish in different kinds of habitats from chilly Siberian forests to open grasslands and muddy swamps. Wherever the food is, that’s where they’ll go. Point blank. It’s too watery? ‘Tis but a sprinkle (warning: Monty Python reference – sort of). Suck it up and learn how to swim. Too hot? You better ask somebody. Learn to conserve your energy and work around the heat.

You want to live? Get your hustle on and don’t stop ‘til you get enough.

And when it comes to actually getting the food? Ultimate stealth mode. Tigers usually feed on animals larger than themselves, but will settle for smaller animals also. They understand their limitations and work with it. They may be smaller than some of their prey and they don’t have enough stamina to run fast for long periods of time. But they can leap high and they know how to get ‘em where it hurts: right on the jugular. At night. When you can’t see them.

After all, it isn’t the size of the dog (or rather, cat?) in the fight, it’s the fight in the dog.

Teddy the Tiger

I think the perfect example of someone who implemented WWTD in their lives is Theodore Roosevelt. His motto was to “speak softly and carry a big stick.” This was his policy towards keeping the Europeans out of American affairs at the turn of the 20^th century. He believed in keeping the communication lines open and not being unnecessarily aggressive, but still recognizing his boundaries and tactfully breaking lose if anyone tested him.

Tigers operate the same way: you don’t bother them and they usually won’t bother you.

And much like tigers, Theodore was cunning and opportunistic. Reading his biography, you can tell things just didn’t happen to him by accident. He put himself out there and made things happen for himself. He has been all over the place and adapted himself when he needed to.

But despite his tough exterior, I sense a wise yet curious side to him. Adaptability and curiosity definitely go hand in hand. Theodore had many interests, was active in several sports, and was well-read – reading tens of thousands of books in his lifetime.

Being more like a tiger

As obvious as it is by now, I definitely think tigers are the ultimate role models from the animal kingdom and I strive to be more like them in my actions. I’m certainly not there yet, but isn’t life always a work in progress?

And so, without further ado .. I present the Rules of the Tiger

Be adaptable and discerning at the same time. Sometimes you just have to work with what you got because that’s how you’ll get fed. At the same time, be a leader and have some level of standards because at the end of the day you’ve got to answer to yourself. Don’t settle for any old thing or what someone else thinks you should do.
Be magnetic and agreeable – until someone messes with you. There’s no need to pick fights for no reason and to constantly be loud and outspoken. We’re all on the same tree trying to get a nut. For the most part you will have to agree to disagree with most people. But once others start undermining you and disrespecting your boundaries, you better stand up for yourself or you’ll fall for anything.
Pick your battles wisely. It’s one thing to not give up on a dream or goal. But winners also know when to cut their losses and quit. They know not to dwell on sunk cost – something they can’t get back – and get themselves out of situations that only pull them down further. If there’s no more food in the area, the tiger won’t stick around defending barren land!
Recognize your limitations but emphasize your strengths. There’s no point in completely ignoring your limitations – you’ll end up hurting yourself. Instead of worrying about that, focus on your positives and use that to your advantage. Limitations are there for a reason: to make it easier to find out does work.

Readers: What animals do you admire and what lessons do you take away from them? Do they work? Share in the comments!