You ain't Buddha. Shoot.
I was over at Bud’s A Boundless World reading one of his recent posts on exploring freedom. In it, Bud talks about being in complete control of your life by taking personal responsibility. Doing so is the key to achieving freedom.
Taking personal responsibility is not a new concept in the personal development sphere. However one would have to question how far down the rabbit hole really goes. By saying that I’m questioning whether “complete control” really is attainable or if it even exists, for that matter.
We’re all connected, somehow
Human beings are social creatures since we more or less depend on each other for survival, no matter how much we think it isn’t so. Expanding on that, pretty much all living beings are dependent on each other for survival. They depend on members of their own species for protection, interaction, and procreation. They depend on other species for food and sometimes protection. So in that aspect, we aren’t any more special than a dung beetle crawling on the ground.
That’s not a comforting thought to some people. I mean I’m sure glad I’m not a beetle. Sorry, beetles.
But really … if we are so dependent on each other, how can we really ever be in full control?
Now I know I’m talking from a different dimension than Bud is. Don’t shoot me yet. In his post, taking personal responsibility is about not blaming people for your problems. It’s about taking action and changing your mindset to solve your problems, instead of aimlessly sitting around waiting for the solutions to fall on your lap.
Okay, cool. I don’t disagree with that. After all, I preach it on my blog.
My issue is with how “full control” over life is thrown around, almost like a cliché.
Full control is an illusion, like most things
What is “full control” anyway? At what point do you know that you have “full control”? Is it when you’re happy and satisfied with your life? I hate to burst your bubble, but you’ll be waiting a very long time. Like … I’m pretty sure Tutankhamun is still waiting for his cut. And the man apparently had it all, okay? I’m just saying. But hey, it’s a-okay!
I digress.
“Full control” is subjective because happiness and satisfaction are, as well. All of these things have no meaning except to the person who assigns meaning to them. And if it’s subjective, it is pretty much illusionary. This is not a bad thing, exactly. But there are two points to consider.
First of all, happiness and satisfaction are not constant. It changes. How much it changes varies from person to person. But the point is a person will inevitably encounter a variety of emotions and external situations that affect their happiness and what it means on a regular basis.
No matter how internally focused we are, we are not immune to external circumstances and the emotions they bring. And we won’t always react ideally to them. In this sense, we are never completely in control.
Secondly, the idea of “full control” promotes the idea of happiness, satisfaction, and control as an end goal. It isn’t an end goal. It’s a process. And that process wouldn’t be complete without their opposites.
Happiness can’t exist without sadness and all its related emotions.
Satisfaction can’t exist without dissatisfaction and all its related emotions.
Control can’t exist without lack of control.
As it stands, you can’t have one without the other because each extreme validates the other.
Happy pills and control freaks
Suppose someone gave you a “happy” pill that makes you happy for an extended period of time. Ever so gradually, happiness starts to lose its meaning. Next thing you know, each day appears to be the same as the next. What happens then? Complacency and even dissatisfaction starts to take over.
Suppose you had control all the time. All day, every day. You’re in complete control of your emotions and your reactions to other people. You know what you want, when you want it, and that’s that.
All day, every day.
But slowly and surely, control starts losing its meaning as well. There’s no longer any challenge. There’s no reason to ever change or grow. So now you’ve delegated yourself to a planned existence of tried and true methods. Anything that contradicts your method is a threat. You’re just a walking bureaucracy.
That’s the farthest thing from control. Ask any control freak.
A different way of looking at it
What does it mean to you and why should you care? Well it all boils down to understanding the connection between control, personal responsibility, freedom and happiness. It’s not a bash against Bud, or anyone else. My concern is that control seems to be severely misunderstood by many people, myself included.
For example, when I feel helpless or when I don’t feel like I have control over something, I get caught into a cycle of thinking I’m a failure. This then gives rise to more feelings of helplessness. When I finally climb out of it, I realize that I’ve been playing some mighty devious games with my own mind, indeed.
I mean, hell. If I’m going to play games with my mind, I might as well play fair, right?
You see, my mistake is thinking I’m supposed to be in control at all times (or at least most of the time). And if I’m not, then I have a serious problem. Control shouldn’t be so black or white, don’t you think? A lack of “full control” is not a bad thing.
Damnit, I’m really not Buddha. Or Jesus. Or whatever.
Personally, it helps when I think of control in abstract terms. It helps when I don’t try to have control over everything in my life. It’s more or less guaranteed that there are some things I can’t or don’t want to control. And even the things I can control, I know I won’t have control over them all the time.
For example, I know can control what kind of thoughts I have if I wanted to. I know it as sure as the sun shines everyday. Usually. Or something like that. But I also know I can’t control it all the time. Seriously … it ain’t happening. Just thinking about it gives me a freaking headache. And then if I think about it too hard, I start to slowly lose my mind and yell at the imaginary person in the room to stop touching me, already.
Anyway. Sometimes it helps knowing you can just submit control. Just let it go.
Does this mean I’m letting go of personal responsibility? Well, I don’t see it that way. Personal responsibility and control aren’t directly dependent on each other.
Some of the poorest people in the world are the happiest. And some of the richest, entrepreneurial people with the most resources are chronically unhappy.
Personal responsibility also means knowing when to give up control. It doesn’t mean fighting an uphill battle with the universe. Sometimes, it’s better to yield to the universe and go with the flow.
Because happiness isn’t always about control. Sometimes it’s just about being. Flaws, mistakes, and negative emotions included.
Itching to add to or detract from my delusions? Be my guest … leave a comment, share your thoughts! 
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Well you cannot have complete control but you can control what your actions are whether preventative or reactive.
Do investors control the stock market?
Obviously not, there may be inside trading but for the most part they invest well and get insurance (put and call options) to secure and hedge their bets.
It may seem they are in control but in reality they have just prepared for what might happen and they don’t need to worry or control the outcome, they are ready for anything.
Life is random, but it has trends, cycles, so its predictable and you can learn form it.
Great post
Mac´s last blog ..Prepare For The Worst And You Will Only Know The Good Times” Robert T. Kiyosaki
God, this post killed my brain. Fried it, actually. But now that I’ve re-read it I think I’ve got it down.
At some level, we’ve got to realize exactly what we can and can’t control at any given moment. After we realize that (in the moment), we have to take responsibility for what we can control and TOTALLY LET GO of what we can’t control. When Bud says, “Take total control of your life,” or something to that effect, I think he means that you should try to take responsibility for everything within your sphere of influence. After all, what use would it be to try to control the uncontrollable? The real skill comes in learning what exactly is controllable, and taking responsibility for it, and identifying what to let slide without resistance.
Happiness is created from within, in my opinion. True self-esteem IS NOT at the mercy of external factors, thus we can totally control how we feel about ourselves at any time. But that’s how you feel about yourself; in an ideal situation, we wouldn’t be affected by external influences, but we are, a little or a lot, depending on our mindsets.
You touched on an interesting thing when you said this, though:
“Happiness can’t exist without sadness and all its related emotions.”
It’s true. And this is part of the dark, scary truth that personal development people are really afraid to admit, since it would render them obsolete…
But that’s an entire blog post’s worth of content.
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
Brett – DareToExpress.com´s last blog ..4 More Ways to Identify Your Inner Champion
Hi Mac,
I’m not disagreeing that we can control our actions, thoughts, and emotions, but they are definitely not controllable all the time (unless you are some kind of super human). Sometimes not being in control of that or even NOT being ready for anything is okay. Lots of people beat themselves over that. But what’s the point if you’re ready for everything and anything at anytime? Do you seriously know anyone like that? Is worry something you can completely eliminate? Is worry always a bad thing? Even the best investors can panic, make a mistake, and not be ready for something. It doesn’t make them any less of an investor.
Hi, Brett… great to see you here!
Hahaha, well sorry for the fried brains … I’ll try and “control” myself next time
I really have nothing against Bud and anything he said in his post. Reading it did trigger my thoughts about a common theme I see in many personal development blogs, which is as I’ve said, throwing around the total self-control bit. I kind of disagree that true self-esteem is completely immune from external factors, but yea, you have a point … people with more self-esteem are far less affected by it. I also get you on knowing what to control and what not to control.
I think my problem is this: as someone who strongly believes in personal responsibility, I sometimes blame myself hard when something goes wrong. Just like how some people heavily blame everyone else, I will completely blame myself, because I’m supposed to be in “control” of my actions and reactions at all times. What I’m trying to get at is … sometimes personal responsibility is about letting go, and not always being in control of reactions and having the perfect reactions to everything. If you’re responsible enough not to blame others, then you should extend courtesy to yourself … if that makes any sense. You have to be willing to forgive yourself just as you can forgive others.
Exactly. What you’re experiencing is simply outcome dependence when you are hard on yourself.
I used to be really hard on myself too – I’d beat myself up if I felt I underperformed or made a mistake. Now, I simply have standards, but it’s not like I beat myself up if I don’t meet them. I just get back on the proverbial horse and try harder next time. I don’t think any less of myself because I didn’t meet my standards that ONE time – I know my own value. I don’t judge myself for making mistakes and “reacting” to a situation in the wrong way. If I see room for improvement, I just go out and DO it the next time ’round, that’s all.
It’s tough to reconcile the beliefs of total self-control and the ability to let go when things go wrong, but it IS possible, in a sense.
The problem is that the advice to have “total self-control” and to be able to “let go” come from two totally different places. When Bud is giving his advice to people to take personal responsibility at all times, these people are coming from a place of lower personal responsibility than, say, you or I (for the sake of the argument). Since they give their power away a lot, Bud is telling them not to and exercise their personal responsibility. On the other hand, when people tell us to let go, they are addressing us, who may take on TOO MUCH responsibility and control the uncontrollable. The two pieces of advice come from different sides of the spectrum…
The ultimate goal is to find the middle ground, where we take personal control over everything we can control, and accept everything else without resistance and just let go of it.
I hope this all made sense and helped you out! We’re on the same page, but we just have different ways of expressing it.
Brett – DareToExpress.com´s last blog ..4 More Ways to Identify Your Inner Champion
I’ve always thought in a similar mindset to the one you have… while I certainly consider myself to be in control of my life, there are some things that are just inevitably going to be there. Interests for example. Why are some people attracted to certain things and others aren’t? Why do some people like one particular food group over another, or why are some people attracted to a certain lifestyle while others aren’t? While we can certainly control MANY things… there are always those things that we like / dislike and that’s just that, it simply is what it is.
Travis´s last blog ..Understanding Comfort Zones
@Travis: Agreed. Likes/dislikes are something I used to fight a lot with, too. I felt like I was “supposed” to like certain things, so I would train myself to like them, to no avail. It’s another form of mind games, setting all of these limitations and boundaries that don’t really need to be there. A little off topic from the post maybe, but I think if I hadn’t spent so much time forcing myself to be a certain way (which fit into my then-image of success) and to like certain things (basically trying to control the outcome), I’d be much better off. Ah, well… you live and you learn!
Full control is impossible in this form. In fact we are subject to the control of nature which flows upon us and make us subservient to its whims. While most people aspire for happiness and satisfaction, yet they don’t understand that life is all about experience and learning.
Being in control or not, it does not matter, as long as we detach from it.
Hey Valerie,
Well this is my first comment here and loving the post! I don’t like the word control and I’ve never been a fan of it. Losing control, in my world, is ok, some of the time…in same cases I think it’s good. I do believe I can choose how I respond to events, people, places etc…however I know I can’t control the. I do believe there is an ultimate system of control that is powered by free will….a paradox I love!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..4 Years And 6 Key Lessons From Blogging
I heard a phrase when I was about 9 years old and I still live by it today. “Change the things you can control and don’t worry about the things you can’t” Its still more profound than many of the things I read in self-improvement books.
I am all about bettering myself but I’m not crazy. I know that trying to be perfect is going to be a failed experiment. Thanks for posting this.
Ralph´s last blog ..The Ultimate Guide to Giving and Taking Constructive Criticism
This post reminded me of a saying I once read by Rabbi Zusya:
“The early Hassidic sage Rabbi Zusya once said, “When I reach the next world, God will not ask me, ‘Why were you not Moses?’ Instead, he will ask me, ‘Why were you not Zusya?’ ”
I believe the quote and subsequent discussion came via Martin Buber, though I’d have to check. The purpose of this lesson was to demonstrate “the particular way” each person is given to happiness, fulfillment, etc. Not by copying the exact paths of their forebears, but by becoming who they themselves are meant to be.
I enjoyed your post Valerie, keep them coming in 2010.
-Royce
Royce´s last blog ..Weekend Comedy 12/28
@ Walter: I like your statement “Being in control or not, it does not matter, as long as we detach from it.” Perhaps that’s really where the issue is. We get comfortable with something (in this case, being in control) and then get attached to it. Thanks for that insight!
@ Amit: Welcome, and thanks for stopping by! Like you, I am not a fan of the word ‘control’ because I’ve never really felt in control anyway and I feel sometimes like it is an uphill battle. And the free will you mention … a paradox, indeed it is.
@ Ralph: I’ve also heard that phrase, too, and it does come handy in many situations. In the end, at some point, we’re going to have to face the world and make decisions, right? Thanks for your comment!
@ Royce: Ah, it’s been a while! I remember seeing you on my old blog. Thought I lost ya! And I really like that quote. I’ve heard it in many variations (to be yourself, that is), but not quite like that.
Here’s to another great year of blogging! I’ll have to stop by your blog more often.