When I think of all the times I was bubbling over with anticipation, I was hoping for a change in my life (for the better). In my mind, who I was that day will never be as good enough as I could be tomorrow. So I associated change, and thus happiness, with some object, event, or person I would potentially have access to in the future.
The only problem is, things almost never worked out quite the way I imagined.
99% of the time either one of two things happened:
- Whatever I was anticipating/expecting wouldn’t happen = disappointment.
- If it did happen, it ended up not being all that I thought it would be = disappointment.
The common denominator? My sulky attitude, along with my ‘not good enough’ mindset.
What’s wrong with this picture?
- I’m too attached to time: Today is never good enough but tomorrow will be (except ‘tomorrow’ never comes).
- My happiness is too dependent on other objects, people, and external circumstances. This person/thing makes me so happy, I don’t know what I would do without them/it.
- I get too attached to outcomes. If only I can get X, then finally I’ll be happy… at least, until I find out about Y. Because then I’ll want Y, too.
In all the problems I presented above, attachment is the theme. Some people might suggest getting unattached to any and everything. Problem solved, right?
Not really. But you can use attachment to your advantage.
A couple of things that have worked for me:
Be vague about long-term (more than a year) expectations.
Modern day society puts pressure on people to decide exactly what they want 20, 30, 40 years from now. Fine and dandy. Except it doesn’t quite work. You see, in the long-term, people change and things happen. What you thought you wanted at 20 may not fly when you’re 30. Or 40. Or 60.
Don’t bother making a pre-set life path (e.g. married at 26, first kid at 28, second at 30, VPship at 35, etc). A lot of people do this and panic because they reach a certain age when they’re not where they’re ’supposed’ to be. Even if everything did happen on time, you’ll end up missing a lot of great opportunities you might have enjoyed if you didn’t have your blinders on.
At least for me, general visions (or directions) work: e.g. I’d like to get married, have kids, and travel around the world before I turn 40. It does set an age limit (deadlines do work up to a point), but now there’s more room to breathe. There’s an expectation, but it’s open for discussion. If things do happen ‘on time,’ then it happened naturally… as it should!
Maybe it’s just me because I’m sort of blasé about planning stuff, but remember everyone’s needs and wants still change somewhat over time.
Be more specific about short-term goals (less than a year)…
… but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t reach it. I think most people tend to be more vague about short-term goals and more specific about long-term goals, which is backwards. Perhaps they are unconfident about what they can achieve in 6 months as opposed to 6 years. But being vague about short-term goals means that little will be done 6 years from now.
Also, just because you don’t reach specific goals doesn’t mean you’re a bum. Do your best to reach it, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t. I’d rather set a specific goal for making $100,000 this year and only make $70,000… than set a vague goal of making ‘anything I can get’ and make $10,000. Either way you still made something, but which leaves you better off? Even if you didn’t reach $100,000, I bet you still learned a HECK of a lot!
You had a vision, you had expectations that didn’t pan out, but it’s okay because you still kept your eyes open for other opportunities (lessons learned, new ideas, new friends, etc).
Don’t demand ANY character changes …
… or make other unreasonable demands when it comes to other people. It just doesn’t work. Period. This is the biggie that really trips a LOT of people up as it reinforces an unhealthy attachment. We always have a preconceived notion of people should act or react. Except people don’t think exactly like you. These expectations get even worse when we’re in an exclusive relationship with them. We all have these visions of what our significant others should look, talk, and act like and usually these visions do not match up with reality.
It’s easy to say “don’t have ANY expectations of your significant others, close friends, or family at ALL.” But this is very hard to pull off, not to mention it’s a very foreign concept for a lot of people. Then comes the question of standards. We need to have some basic level of standards (another word for expectations) so our relationships with people are respectful, at the very least.
If you have a close friend/significant other who isn’t acting the way you imagine they should act, avoid taking it out on them and avoid making ultimatums. You can bring up something they do that bothers you, but how they react is on them. Only they can decide if they want to change or not. If they are forced to do so, it will backfire on you.
Your job is to decide if you can accept their behavior or not. If you can, fine, don’t bring it up again. If you can’t, then move on from the relationship. Not every relationship or friendship is going to last forever.
Wrap-up
Implementing these points are easier said than done, but just knowing them has saved me a lot of prolonged hurt and heartache, because I pulled myself out of bad goals, bad decisions, and broken friendships much faster than I would have otherwise.
Speak up! Are there any ways you deal with expectations and attachment? Leave a comment!
**If you’re new here and enjoyed this post, be sure to subscribe for future posts and updates. And feel free to share this post … I’d really appreciate it! Don’t forget to introduce yourself in the comments. Don’t be shy … I don’t bite. 
You can also add me on Twitter (@valeriemondesir).**
Related posts:
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I can relate a lot to this with poker.
Everyone sees the top guys who make millions a year and thousands a day. Even the normal pros who make a few hundred a day.
For players starting out, they rush to the big stakes as I did in order to develop an income with poker without the knowledge and experience to win.
Some people win but play at small stakes and feel rushed to move higher and higher.
Making goals to being a poker millionaire is great but it’s something that is just a goal. If you focus on a million dollar income from poker your mind will tell you you won’t do it playing for pennies.
Making goals makes today seem like nothing, I like to always focus on small parts of a goal or task and not think of the bigger picture.
Mac´s last blog ..Unheard Advice…
Hi, Mac. Interesting example of how expectations can screw you over in poker. I personally don’t know how to play poker, so I didn’t know it could get so complex. Nice site by the way… I guess you must be focusing on blogging about poker now? That’s really great, you could really succeed with that!
It’s sometimes tough to move on but understand when it needs to be done and following through on it is a very powerful thing. I said on my blog recently, not everyone understands my intentions, I may let someone go because they were being dependant on me but they might see me as deserting them but that isn’t necessarily my intention.
Thought provoking as always!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..7 Enlightened Thoughts For A Kick-Ass Day
I used to undergo a very similar mindset myself… I’d always wait until “tomorrow” to get started on my bigger plans. “Once I graduate from school, I’ll finally have enough time to do what I love.” But I realized…. screw that, I can start on my plans (and thus, my happiness) TODAY. Why wait for what tomorrow brings when today is still fresh and ripe?
Travis´s last blog ..Dream-Play
@Amit: Good point about intentions not being obvious. People always come up with their own reasons why they think someone else does or says something and a lot of the times, it’s wrong. I used to make that mistake a lot; now I’m just learning not to assume someone else’s intention. Give them the benefit of the doubt, so to speak.
@Travis: The motto for my graduating class in high school was basically to “put off for tomorrow what you could do today.” We all thought it was funny at the time because we were all hardcore master procrastinators. But now… yea, you realize that attitude gets you into more trouble than its worth. The one redeeming quality about procrastination: you only have a limited amount of time to do whatever it is you need to do. Admittedly you don’t need procrastination to do that… you DO need lots of self-discipline.
Hi! Some wonderful expressions here.
To share with you, I’m a person who lives in present. When I get up in the morning, I don’t remember yesterday; I only carry the good things with me. Nor do I think of tomorrow or 10-20 years from now. This I don’t do as a practice; it’s in my nature. And it works.
Neeraj Bhushan´s last blog ..Dismantling Media Mafia – Part I
This was a really well thought out article. It seems to be an ever present mentality in society with people that achieving something at a given date is what it takes to be happy. But what happens when/if you achieve it? Does some magic Genie appear and now grant you wishes?
I’ll use my P90X workout as an example. I decided to do the workout – I was skinny enough and in good condition before it. But I wanted to get toned because it would make me feel good. And I worked out like crazy for the whole 90 days and really had great results. When day 90 hit, did I all of a sudden transform into some divine being? Nope – however, the journey of the whole thing is really what made the difference for me in changing my attitude and mindset. The completion of the goal was but a fleeting moment. To me, it’s all about the journey, every day, taking it all in and embracing the good and bad.
Jeremy Johnson´s last blog ..Introducing The First Wizard, Lisa Irby
Jeremy,
So I hear you!
Interesting example from your work out trial. It’s funny because I’ve been doing something similar myself, not as hardcore as your story (I’m just NOT there yet, uhuh), but just trying to get into the habit of working out every day. Well I did that for 2 weeks straight, missed a day or two after that and I’ve back on. Like you, I don’t need to lose weight or anything and I’m not unhappy with my body as is. I wanted to do it more for the health purposes, to feel more energetic, and of course, I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t want to tone up a bit and get more of a model body.
But honestly… after two weeks of doing that, it just feels great to get up and do something active everyday even if nothing ever came out of it. I think so many inactive people are missing out on that experience (like I did), it really doesn’t have to be hard and there doesn’t need to be a goal other than to enjoy the process in and of itself. I love the point you made here… thanks for sharing!