I have come to the conclusion that you’re just not going to understand everything there is to understand and you’re never going to know all the answers no matter how hard you try.
I know, right? “NEWSFLASH, Valerie!”
Okay, okay – so I knew that all along, but it still doesn’t stop me from occasionally trying to rationalize everything so my puny little ego doesn’t implode and vomit all over itself. With all the futile attempts of mental fencing that’s been going on in my head thus far, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already!
You’re just making an ass (out of) u (and) me
We assume a lot, don’t we? And a lot of the time it’s completely unconscious. It started out as a way for the brain to quickly sort information and get it out of the way so you could move on to the next thing. I mean, what else is it supposed to do when you’re bombarded with hundreds of different kinds of stimuli per minute?
Sometimes, though, we take this mechanism to a whole ‘nother level. It’s synonymous with a chimp studying a computer for hours and trying to turn on the monitor with no apparent power button on it. Eventually you’ll end up either a) breaking the computer or b) completely forgetting why you’ve come in the first place.
It would have been much easier to walk away after a certain point. Or just ask someone for help.
This scenario often pops up when we’re trying to figure out other people. We assume we know exactly what’s going through their minds. Of COURSE, by default they’re supposed to think like you … so why shouldn’t you make that assumption?
Unfortanately that’s what starts fights and a whole bunch of unnecessary drama.
Is your friend pissing you off? Or are YOU pissing yourself off?
Say you’re fuming over why your friend or your significant other hasn’t called you yet today. Or maybe they’re late again to meet up you’ve agreed to. You quickly assume that they’re ignoring you once again even though you’ve already complained about it. Maybe they’re deliberately trying to push your hot buttons. Because, after all, they’ve got nothing better to do than to plot various ways to piss you off.
Or maybe they’re just rude, inconsiderate jerks who don’t care about you at all even though you deserve their undivided attention for all the work you’ve put into this friendship and/or relationship.
Maybe all of those things could be correct … but how do you know for sure? And until you do, how does that attitude benefit you other than causing your blood pressure to rise. Besides, it’s just as likely that all of these assumptions are wrong.
At the end of the day, does it really matter when they call as long as they do at some point during the day? Does it matter if they show up 30 minutes late if you two end up enjoying your time together?
Does that late phone call have to put you in a pissy mood all day? Do those 30 minutes have to ruin the entire date? If you have enough time to fume over 30 minutes, you have enough time to pick up that book you’ve been wanting to read for the past three months.
If it really does bother you, just ask the object of your fury why they’re acting that way. Problem solved. OH.. and save the vague Facebook pissing-contest statuses, please. You know … the ones that rant about someone’s actions without actually addressing the person specifically. The ones that not-so-subtly suggest how bad you have it cause everyone is your enemy.
Ironically, I may kind of be doing the same thing now by saying that, but, uh… yea… (sheepishly walks away, tail between legs). No, just kiddin’. Haha.
Ego, ego, ego rockin’ everywhere
ANYWAY. I do have a point to make.
We all think like this from time to time because we have a tendency to believe that the world revolves around us. Even if we’re the most negative miser around who claims not to give a crap about what anyone thinks, we really actually think the world revolves around us – or rather, the world is out to get us every step of the way.
If that’s not the ego functioning at its most bloated state, I don’t know what is.
The harsh truth is, most people don’t really give a crap about you. And I mean that in the most positive way it can be conveyed. To put it another way: if everyone is so self-absorbed about what the world thinks of them, then how are they possibly going to find all that time to contemplate how they feel about you?
It doesn’t mean that people don’t care about you. It also doesn’t mean that people hate you. It just means that they’re just not thinking about you every second of every day. As it should be – because the only person’s opinion you need to truly be concerned about is your own.
Personally, I feel like knowing this makes everything easier and opens a whole new set of doors that allow you to truly care about other people. It sounds contradictory on the surface, but in spirit it’s not.
Which comes first: the beach or the sand? Does it matter?
If you understand that most people aren’t really forming opinions about you or acting against you, then you become more aware of your own thought processes, as well as your own desires and needs. You become more at ease with yourself and do things because you want to, not simply to get a desired reaction from others.
Eventually you begin to see the world as bigger than yourself: the world does not, in fact, revolve around you at all and your opinion is just a speck of sand on the beach. It doesn’t make your opinion any less important, because the beach cannot survive without ALL the specks of sand that make it up. But it helps you understand that your speck isn’t any better than the next person’s and their opinions are equally valid.
That’s where a lot of assumptions arise from: thinking that your opinion IS the beach and therefore, everyone should be thinking like you.
I don’t know about you. But when I understand that other people have as much as a right to be here as I do and that I’m not the most important person on the planet, it makes me want to give back. It makes me want to be more considerate towards others. It makes me want to put my own crap in the back burner (within reason) in order to let other people pass through and reach out.
That is how being aware of yourself and your place on this earth helps you to relate to others. Putting down your ego by being aware of your thoughts and not allowing others to manipulate them is not selfish. It’s the best thing you can do for mankind and nature.
**If you’re new here and enjoyed this post, be sure to subscribe for future posts and updates. And feel free to share this post … I’d really appreciate it! Don’t forget to introduce yourself in the comments. Don’t be shy … I don’t bite. 
You can also add me on Twitter (@valeriemondesir).**
Related posts:
- 4 simple ways to be an exceptional friend and attract exceptional friends
- You are a citizen of the world (and why I don’t hate America… and why you shouldn’t either)
- 20-somethings need to stop being transient in their relationships
- Religious tolerance also includes lack of religious belief
- Give your worries a can of whoop-ass, Part 1: Laughing
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Interesting post, wouldn’t agree with every point you make but the general thrust strikes a chord with my own outlook.
I am prone to over analysing myself and my motives, this is fine (and healthy to an extent) but I found that I was applying the same analytical process to my relationships. This caused untold arguments as I was ASSUMING that people where deliberately ignoring me and setting out to annoy me.
As we mature I think we do come to realise that we are all different. One person’s deliberate snub is anothers oversight. Knowing this, other peoples ‘negative’ actions (in relation to me) affect me very little, if at all. I suppose it’s a kind of positive schizoid personality disorder.
I think people are irritated when others are late or don’t call when they say they would because it is inconsiderate. It’s akin to saying, “you aren’t important enough.” It’s the self-centeredness of the offender that makes it hard for us to accept, not necessarily our own self-centeredness. But your beach and sand argument is probably germane here.
But I agree with your basic premise that we should all take some time to step back and observe the world around us from some other vantage point than the center of activity. I find that being able to successfully find your place in the crowd does more for your ego than being the center of attention.
I have thought about this for a whole 2 minutes, and have a deeper understanding. I think the “world revolves around you” is not quite direct enough, I think that “your perception of reality and life is of you first then others”
If you get into an accident, are you thinking about how you might of just caused someone heath problems, legal problems, or are you thinking about if it’s your fault and if your going to have problems and how to resolve this or whatnot.
We look at our life, and experiences first. We see our suffering first, our pains first and only when alerted by anger or yelling or empathy do we realize that there is more to the perception then just ourself.
This ties into the whole “pissing you off” you talked about because people look at themselves and see “gosh this person made me wait 30 mins”, “this person did this”.
You haven’t been on msn in a while, you must be ignoring me because your jealous of my Superior thinking and strong emotional control in dealing with situations. Or it could just be that you have better things to do, or the fact that I haven’t been on either
. (A joke 
)
if you notice when watching some tv drama, you can see everyone, their true feelings thoughts and all actions. While the individual actors playing the character don’t. You often forsea a mistake a character in the show will make because you know something they don’t.
Well I have always thought that, if you just communicate and be honest and don’t bullshit and cover things up then you life will be real and will have fewer complications and drama, then if you where to assume, and lie to others about what is going on and the truth only comes out in the moment of anger or some emotional die like maybe during a serious illness someone may have or whatever.
Honesty is sometimes hard because we want to perpetuate an illution of ourself to others to show that we are as good or better then them.
How many people do you see driving around in a nice care with some visual upgrades, you must think they are very wealthy, most of the time they are not and they spend every last dollar and maybe credit to pay for and maintain that car to perpetuate an illusion that they have lots of money.
I heard somewhere that “we are a society of liars” and I think I agree with that
You miss my long posts?
Mac´s last blog ..A Pause From Poker…
@ Luke P: Welcome! We all fall into an over-analyzing pattern from time to time; I just think it’s helpful to have a constant reminder that our way of thinking and doing are simply one way, not the only way. I, too, am getting better at letting other people’s actions affect me as much. It takes off such a huge burden, doesn’t it. And very funny about the positive schizoid personality disorder! I notice all the disorders had to be negative… you’ve possibly started a movement here.
@ ForNot: I really loved the way you put it about moving to ‘another vantage point than the center of activity.’ But you do bring up a point that the anger is because of the other person’s self-centeredness. But if they’re actions are insulting to us because it is akin to saying that we’re not important enough… then we really aren’t any less self-centered than the offender. So perhaps, we’re seeing ourselves in them? Not sure.
@ Mac: I agree that honest communication is necessary if you really want to simplify your life. In putting others before yourself, however, it’s probably a good idea to have honesty, but with tact. I also see how people do put up a front in order to portray themselves as something they are not. It definitely ISN’T honest and it is running from a very self-centered, ego-driven point of view. Society of liars? Perhaps. It also has to do with our desire to fit in with the ‘whole,’ which is perfectly normal as our genes have preconditioned us to do so as a way to survive and to return to our natural state (if you want to get spiritual about it). It’s how we act on it that determines whether it’s damaging or not.
As for your “joke,” I’m not amused. I appreciate everyone’s comments, but if you’re going to say something, please keep it respectful.
Back @ Val
I was giving a realistic example of assuming something. To portray my point with a real thing but use a assumption that is made up to show how I would be thinking and then show what the reality of the situation really is and that honest upfront communication would resolve the assumptions instead of perpetuating an assumption into a spiral of nonsense that could be stopped with something as simple as a question:
Why is it that..? What really happen? What is your view? What do you mean?
it’s rather funny that you assumed I tried to be disrespectful to you on your own blog.. Instead of saying something like…
“Hey what did you mean that I’m jealous, this is what you think?” Which then you would get a reply “No, I was just creating an example to illustrate my argument to support your post”
Rather instead what is created as a result is a rather negative situation where an argument and other disagreements take place.
But one question, did you plan all this? (lol)
Mac´s last blog ..A Pause From Poker…
You’re not the most important person on the planet? Are you sure?
You had some real fire behind this post Valerie. I’d be curious to know if some recent situations spurred it. But you’re right about people generally not caring too much about others – since they are so concerned with themselves.
I think the people who make a difference on a large scale find a way to make large numbers of people care about them.
Jeremy Johnson´s last blog ..Approach Motivation and Avoidance Motivation
@ Jeremy: No significant events really, just an increasing sense of awareness… or at least it’s just me trying to see things differently than I normally would.
Isn’t that ironic, about your last statement? Conversely, people say that those who are ‘selfless’ really aren’t because they are trying to fulfill a personal goal. I guess you can’t have the selflessness without the selfishness and vice versa.
As always, awesome article – something I can personally relate to. In my previous relationship (with a girl from Vietnam) I assumed she automatically understood every little cultural innuendo and she did the same for me. This assumption that we both fully understood each other’s culture lead to some very confusing and, rather pointless, arguments. For instance, pointing across someone to an object is considered very rude in Vietnam – I did not know that. She was upset, but assumed I knew why she was upset and for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out – which made me upset. It’s kind of amusing now, looking back on it, and there were countless times where she did something ‘rude’ in our culture but fine in theirs that made me upset and visa versa. I really think that dropping all assumptions (and that means openly and effectively communicating!) can make a world of difference in our outlook on life and make everything much less stressful and irritating. Now, if it was as easy to do as it is to say!
Richard Riley´s last blog ..Hard Knock Life
Haha, yeah, the ego. Sometimes I would hear someone repeatedly say, “I don’t care what you think”, “I don’t care what other people think”, “I don’t care…” Well, those who truly don’t care, don’t really care enough to say these things. When you have to repeatedly tell yourself that you don’t care, you are just in denial. You do care a lot.
Ah, the ego.
Kelvin Kao´s last blog ..The Puppet Show (Day 2)
Interesting post; Let try a different approach to communing, hopefully you’ll find the humor in it.
I was trained to believe (GOD) put me here because I’m special and he loves us; and he loves me most of all. He is my (GOD). The loving (GOE). The one that magically made this world for me, this (GOE) of mines. You know (EGO!)… Everything is made for us in this world, as we’re trained to think. Some even think that is a dream we’re in, and there really isn’t a reality it is all thought. So you are the center point of everything because without you there is no reality. If I wasn’t here you exist? (If a tree fall in the forest does it make a sound)
I suppose the world does revolve around me. And why shouldn’t it. Kings, The Rich, everyone in power seem to think so or at least they try to make it that way. And for “assuming” well, everyone should be as smart and great as I am. You see I assume I was created, because hey stuff doesn’t randomly come out of nowhere. It gives me GREAT comfort and security to think this way. And about know everything I have one simple answer GOD/EGO made it! That’s the answer to everything so what bother hurting my brain to think. So having an answer I assume is true makes me feel better.
P.S. I hope you can appreciate multi level common/response. My mind works in mysterious way.. lol
But nice thoughts.
@ Richard: Interesting story! Interacting in a different culture is a great example of perceptions and assumptions gone completely wrong. And yep, it is definitely easier said than done!
@ Kevin: I’ve see that play out so many times. You’re right. it is glaringly obvious that they do care about whatever it is they claim they don’t care about. Thanks for bringing that up, it’s a very good point.
@ Bernard: Hello and welcome! I love the twist on the words, here.. very clever! And I definitely do appreciate it.
Whenever I hear assumptions, I can’t help but remember the Odd Couple episode where Felix makes his defense and gets all worked up about making an arse of you and me. Good ol’Felix.
At Microsoft, we make a big deal about making assumptions explicit … getting them on the table … and testing them. It’s a good thing. It helps find limiting thought patterns, as well as ways to improve the thinking. Sure, sometimes it hurts as you’re thinking gets poked and prodded, but it’s always a learning experience
J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Seth Godin