More alone time isn’t the answer – it’ll just make you feel crappier

Everybody needs a little bit of ‘me’ time, no matter who you are. But you have to wonder: do we know how to use ‘me’ time correctly? Too many times I think we forget the importance of celebrating silence and space, the state of no-thing.

Being the introvert that I am, I enjoy alone time every now and then because it’s a way for me to unwind. But even I find myself filling in my space with noise and stuff. Something is nearly always on as background noise, whether it’s the TV or music or just someone chit-chatting in the distance. And regardless of background noise, we are constantly swimming deep in mental chatter and physical clutter whether we realize it or not!

Why alone time frequently doesn’t feel like enough

I don’t really care who you are: you could be extroverted, introverted, single, married, white, black, polka-dotted, young, old, love your life, hate your life… whatever. Sometimes you get pissed at someone or something and you just need to get away. Sometimes you hit a brick wall and you need a break to collect your thoughts.

But have you ever taken a break or even an entire day off to yourself and at the end of the day you still feel utterly exhausted, as if that break never happened? Do you feel even more stressed out than you did before the break?

What does a break to collect your thoughts really mean? Do they even NEED collecting?

And that, to me, is the culprit. I mean, seriously. Do we really need to be analyzing our thoughts some more? As if you didn’t already think the same thoughts a thousand times before. As if you don’t have enough thoughts going through your mind in a regular basis. 

Like a lot of people, I go through life waiting for the next weekend or the next vacation and, heck, even the next lunch break because I am always in need of a few minutes/hours/days to ‘get away.’ I was going to say that I used to do it, but who am I kidding? I still do it. I’m doing it right now!

(Guiltily clicks the red X button on the Expedia webpage I’m using the check airfares for my dream solo vacation.)

When I get that break, I would be obsessing (whether I realized it or not) over any stupid thing. Like the fact that my break is over in 5 minutes/2 hours/3 days. Or something that was bothering me in the past. Or something that’s bothering me about the so-called future. All this while blasting the music, incessantly clicking on Wikipedia links, or flipping through TV channels for hours on an end.

I personally never realized I was doing this until very recently. But it’s no wonder I still feel crappy after all’s said and done.

Lack of space and feelings of crappiness are positively correlated

Don’t take it the wrong way: I’m not telling you to go out and buy a McMansion ranch in the middle of Nowhere, USA. Unless that’s your cup of tea. No, the space I’m talking about has nothing to do with whether you live in a 500 square feet closet-dorm or in the Versailles. It does, however, seem to have some correlation with how much mental clutter you have.

For a lot of people, alone time consists of either using up space, ignoring space, or both.

Here’s a good example. A person who frequently goes on solo shopping sprees to make up for feelings of depression is using up space, physically and mentally. Not only do they end up filling their house with stuff, they fill their mind with worries associated with that stuff and essentially fuel the fire that’s already there. Maybe shopping for things makes them feel good because accumulating stuff makes them feel important because they’re worried about falling behind their peers because… 

I’m just going to stop there. There’s always another ‘because.’ Or a ‘but.’

Similarly, that same person is doing an outstanding job of ignoring space. They fail to see beauty in space and emptiness in their homes, in their time, and in their minds. If their time and their home aren’t filled with something, no matter how counterproductive it is, it has no worth and thus THEY are worthless.

You can see this attitude in a number of different situations with different people. It’s not just limited to shopping addictions. Sometimes it’s not considered an addiction. The one thing they all have in common, regardless of what they do, is they still feel like crap at the end of it.

I’m definitely not condoning shopping or having stuff or whatever ‘vice’ other people have to cope with negativity. It’s not my place to judge. But really, what is the point of life except to experience different things that you want to try… to ‘try’ or ‘have’ something/someone and to ‘lose’ something/someone? The line gets crossed when you’re doing the same thing over and over obsessively and yet you’re falling into deeper, newer levels of crappiness each time you do it. Unless, of course, it’s your intention to feel crappy.

Using your alone time optimally

The point is, sometimes, getting away from people and situations isn’t enough. What you really need to do is get away from your mind and things that trigger your mind to take over. As I’ve mentioned before, common triggers are television, music, and the Internet. But of course, that’s not an extensive list. Different people find ‘escape’ in different ways, so you have to ask yourself how you normally use up your alone time and be honest about how well it’s working.
I find that what’s really been working for me lately is to turn off anything that has an on button. I’d just chill out on a chair on the patio or look outside the window. Eventually I start getting acutely aware of my thoughts and how pointless a lot of them they are. And soon enough, I’m thinking a whole lot less because watching your thoughts is like waiting for water to boil. Or waiting for a mouse to come out of its mouse hole.

Sometimes it helps to get away from the house, because there are a lot of distractions and triggers. I could just look at something, like a piece of mail, and start worrying all over again. Instead I’d go somewhere quiet, like the beach in the evening or a park in the morning. In that way I’m able to focus my mind on nature and just taking in everything with my senses.

I realize that these are simply different forms of meditation and being present. There’s no right path. Maybe you already have a way that works for you. If not, you should spend some time finding out for yourself.

And of course I don’t spend all my alone time sitting Indian-style on a mat, watching a fly with laser precision. I’m human, too. I still go shopping. I still watch pointless shows on TV. I still fritter time away worrying about nothing. And I realize that it’s not going to stop anytime soon. No point in stressing about how I stress a lot, right? (Easier said than done.)

But remember that more alone time isn’t always the answer; how you use it is. When I incorporate a few moments of meditation in between all of them, I get calm a lot faster and I end up needing less alone time to feel balanced. So, experiment. Next time you get a break… try a new strategy.

What are some ways you use to make the most of your alone time? I’d love to hear some alternatives!

**If you’re new here and enjoyed this post, be sure to subscribe for future posts and updates. And feel free to share this post … I’d really appreciate it! Don’t forget to introduce yourself in the comments. Don’t be shy … I don’t bite. You can also add me on Twitter (@valeriemondesir).**

Related posts:

1. "Hey girlfriend, you need to get rid of those bags."
2. Part 2: Bad boys and shoe closets aren't on my list of things to do before I'm 30.
3. Get rid of dead weight: Channel frustration into creative ideas into action