Now I don’t claim to be an expert on dating and I know I am probably as unqualified as the next person to tell anyone how to date or find the right person or what it means to be married. There are many people who are twice my age and are still stuck in unsatisfying relationships and vicious dating cycles, so how can I expect to know it all at my age? Therefore, I am not about to write some cheesy post about how to find the One or how to coerce someone into marrying you. That’s what MSN personals is for.
What I do know is I was raised in a two parent home (my parents will be happily married for 23 years in November) and I received a lot of guidance from both my of them about dating and marriage. In my short adult life, I have had the fortune of meeting a lot of great guys who I am still friends with today and listening to their stories. I have had personal experiences of my own that rather, this post is about me exploring my personal thoughts about dating and setting the foundation for a meaningful relationship.
My personal experience
During high school, I was not allowed to date. Sure, I had plenty of crushes and if the right guy had asked me out I probably would have tried regardless of my parents wishes. But I’m glad things worked out the way they did and I did not go on my first date until after I started college. Looking back, many of the guys in high school were full of it and at that age I was very impressionable so while I missed out on the experience, I probably saved myself a lot of trouble and unnecessary emotional turmoil. Do I think teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to date at all? Of course not. But I feel it was right for me.
From the time I went on my first date to now, my understanding of dating has changed. Initially I went on dates because I felt like it was what I should be doing. Guys seems nice and fun to be around, so why not? I’ve got nothing better to do. But after two years of that, I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I needed to be dating with a purpose: because I’m genuinely interested in the person and because I can see definite potential for something more. Because I’ve come to want more.
Taking the time to get to know people can save a lot of heartache.
I don’t understand how people can go from date to date/person to person, or juggle so many potential boy/girlfriends at one time. Maybe it works for them but I fail miserably at casual dating. I’ve tried it and I did not have to go very far at all to realize it’s not my cup of tea. I think it has a lot to do with my personality. In my relationships/friendships, I tend to focus a lot of my attention on one or two people at a time. I am also uncomfortable in large group settings. I like taking the time to remember things about people and getting to know who they are as a person. I like figuring out what makes people smile and what makes people tick. Individual thought processes intrigue me and I’m always looking to learn from others and help them in return. It’s very hard to do that in a club or if you’re always in group settings. It’s also hard to do in short spurts of time or short periods of time.
For me interdependence is the name of the game. This is why my immediate social circle is pretty small. I like focusing on quality over quantity because I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot and I’d rather use my energy on people I know I can deeply bond with.
Quality versus quantity: there shouldn’t be a debate.
Secondly when it comes to dating, I feel that unneccesarily exposing myself to so many different people and trying to please them all or balance them leaves me at a high risk of becoming hurt and eventually bitter. I’ve noticed with other people that when they focus on quantity, they do get a lot of experience, but they end up being very jaded.
And before you tell me that women are worse at handling casual dating, I know men who are just as jaded because of it. I’ve seen plenty of guys with their guards up and I’ve been accused of lying within the first two conversations when I’m trying to be genuine. If anything men are worse at opening up and they often self-sabotage themselves on dates because, like women, they are too busy protecting their own feelings. We all do it but I feel that casual dating desensitizes people from really connecting with and understanding with others.
But to me people who tell me they avoid casual relationships seem to have a different tone and attitude about dating and relationships. They seem to take more time to find quality, however jaded they are (or not), and seem to have better interpersonal skills. They generally have a better idea in their minds of what they’re looking for than someone who jumps from person to person with no breaks in between.
Taking breathers are a GOOD thing.
I think people who have a better idea of what they want and a better idea of how long-term relationships work are more likely to believe that they don’t absolutely NEED to be in a relationship at all times. Someone who is used to always having a significant other or a large dating queue seem like they believe life would be boring without some kind of love life going on, no matter how horrible it is. For them, a horrible love life seems to be better than NO love life at all. Some people will tell you that the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. In other words, get back into dating ASAP to forget about someone else. Maybe it works sometimes, but it probably isn’t the best solution all the time.
When it comes to myself, I definitely need breathers, and plenty of them. Between each person I tend to take several months off from dating or even thinking about dating, just to get my mind sorted out. I found it to be a good way to look back, figure out what went wrong, reevaluate what I’m looking for, and sort out my feelings. After a couple of months of that, I’m refreshed and ready to try and give it my all again.
Since this post is getting pretty long, I will split this into two posts. Updated: Click here for part two!
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