This is a continuation from my last post on my thoughts about dating and having meaningful romantic relationships. Read Part 1 here.
Dating shouldn’t be about having a large record… unless you’re just looking to have fun.
I know at my age I’m “supposed” to be going out and meeting people all the time if I judge by how many questions I get about when am I going to get a boyfriend. I’m 20 and I’m “supposed” to be out having fun. But it’s not for me; it’s not my idea of fun. I’m going to do things the way I want to do it without regard for someone else’s schedule. Period. I know what feels right to me and I’m going to stick with that. I’d rather focus on meeting 1 or 2 quality guys and giving it my best rather than meet 10 losers who aren’t on the same page as me and half-ass the process.
Doing it the easier way makes it easier to lose sight of what I really want. Next thing I know I’m 30 with a dating criminal record that will put any serial dater to shame and probably nothing to show for it. Zero. I don’t want to be the jet-setting woman with a job to kill for, a bank account bigger than I can handle, and a shoe closet that puts Mariah Carey to shame and yet I’m complaining about being lonely and surrounded by losers.
Speaking of shoes: I like shoes, maybe not as much as some women, but I like them. That said, what the hell am I going to do with 1,000+ pairs of shoes? I only have 2 feet. There’s only 365 days a year. Then and again, I just don’t like shoes THAT much. I digress.
Everyone wants love but are we going about it the right way?
Like any normal human being I desire finding someone to share life experiences with. But I’d rather be single if the person isn’t going to be the right person for me. I feel that while having many experiences are good, I wonder if too many people in my generation place too much importance on quantity especially when it comes to dating. Sometimes I wonder if having many dating experiences is even necessary.
Maybe there is a fine like between too much dating experience and too little. Maybe the risk of having too many experiences outweighs the rewards. If it’s going to leave you jaded and distrustful of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if you swing that way) then it may be even harder for you to build a strong, lasting foundation for a meaningful relationship. For what is love without trust and understanding? For all its wisdom, there seems to be an innocent quality in love because faith and love go hand in hand.
Also, I always hear that to receive love you must give love. Isn’t much easier to do that with a quality person you feel comfortable with than some random person you are dating just because?
Perhaps I am being idealistic or naive or far too optimistic for my own good. But I want to stay that way. I want to be in a relationship that is lighthearted and enjoyable whenever possible. Things won’t always be easy but with the right, optimistic attittudes from both people these things can be overcome.
Knowing why you are dating and what you’re looking for beforehand will give you a lot more focus.
It may not work for you to do it the way I do it and take large amounts of time between each person. Maybe you only need a month, maybe you need less. But sometimes it’s good to take a break, have some Gatorade. Basketball players do it. Whenever I feel the urge to go on a date again, I always ask myself why I’m dating. I have to remind myself what I’m looking for as far as internal characteristics (I don’t have a certain type, physically). Like many other people I also stay away from certain types of people because of the stereotypes. For instance, if someone came to me saying they wanted to be the next American Idol or rapper I’d probably run the other way fast. The person may be great but I want nothing to do with that lifestyle.
Also I have to be generally happy with myself before I can start taking anyone else seriously. If things don’t feel right after a date or two, I end it. I’ve tried staying and waiting to see if it got better once. Well it didn’t. I’d rather just trust my instinct and feelings than let it drag on needlessly. I’d rather do both of us a favor and leave space for the right person for both of us to come in.
Define what dating means to you, implement it, and it will be easier to remain optimistic.
I just can’t believe how much crap is filling the internet and TV these days regarding dating and relationships. Sometimes the dating habits of some of my peers leave me completely baffled. Sometimes I see people, young and old, who seem to be in great relationships and then it all comes apart one day and all the drama and crap comes out in the open. It’s a wonder how people can find anyone or stay in a stable, loving relationship these days. Discouraging evidence is everywhere and you can’t miss it. I had a conversation with a friend recently who was very discouraged by the whole dating thing but still couldn’t tell themselves to take a break.
Yet, I feel that the best bet is to stay optimistic. It’s not easy to remember that in the long haul and you will find an endless line of people ready to shoot you down on all fronts. I’m learning that optimism and faith about finding love may not get you anywhere but it is far better than the alternative of being bitter. Do what feels right to you regardless of whatever pressure you get from anyone else or the media and you may find it a lot easier to remain optimistic. At the very least, you will feel happier because you’re doing what YOU want and not what other people want you to do or think you should be doing .
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t feel bad, as I’m the exact same way. Even though most guys brag about “scoring” a different girl each night, I just don’t have the interest to live that kind of lifestyle. Casual dating just seems…. pointless to me. If I’m going to find someone I like and click with, then I really want to see where it’ll go; I’m not so desperate that I have to date just to date.
I think that’s a big problem with our generation though (gen y) in that it’s almost become the norm. I know people that go through a boyfriend / girlfriend a week and think nothing of it.
I mean seriously… I’d rather be by myself or doing something with friends than dating someone just because it’s what OTHERS expect.
Which… bringing me to my next point: people with too many friends.
That isn’t to say you’re only allowed to have “so many friends” per se, but I’d MUCH rather choose quality of quantity when it comes to good friends. My immediate circle of CLOSE friends is actually quite small, as I like to get to know someone fully instead of making a half-assed attempt.
So basically… I think our generation almost has a very real and large identity crisis going on here. People are too worried about appeasing others and looking popular that it seems like hardly anybody is real these days. Everyone always tries to put on some act and loses all aspects of originality. I wish people would understand they don’t HAVE to categorize themselves… they can be whatever they want! They don’t HAVE to fit into a social clique to be accepted.
Anyways, I’m done with my long-winded comment here… good article!
Travis´s last blog ..Giving Up Junk Food
Long-winded comment for a long-winded post, so no worries
It’s always amazing to hear from someone who gets where I’m coming from. I also have a very small circle of close friends but for the most part many of them don’t even live nearby (some of them have moved away). Like you said, quality over quantity means everything to me. I think blogging has really helped me meet some very interesting people, though, and I’m grateful for that.
I hate to agree with you but, yea, our generation seems to have a huge problem making meaningful and lasting bonds with other people. And it sucks for people who DO want those kinds of bonds because everyone else is following the status quo. The dating field is an even bigger mess and honestly, it’s scary to me. I just wish I could get past the uncomfortable period and move to the more meatier, interesting stuff, but hey, I guess it’s there for a reason.
On a more positive note, I think you tend to attract people who are just like you. If you are quality, you’ll eventually find it. I have to say that many of my friends are very good people and I am happy that I met them, whether it lasted or not.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Travis! Hope you have a good night.