I think that today’s society has made it extremely difficult to love freely and I think that this is a major reason why there’s so much conflict in the world. However, blaming society for our inability to love freely really is a cop-out. I’ve touched on the subject of love before from us being blind to love that’s always around us to people experiecing transactional love. But how can we fix it? How can we free ourselves from society’s brand of give-and-take ‘love’?
None of us knows the answers and that’s okay…
I’d be lying if I told you guys that I love completely and freely, without expectations. I haven’t even begun to touch that kind of love and I’m not going to pretend I do. And honestly, I don’t know the answers and I don’t really know exactly how to get there. Believe me, I’m probably the least qualified person to tell you how to do it and I’ll admit it to you without hesitation and with a straight face.
But here’s the thing: I want to get there, as I’m sure you do, and that’s what counts to me. We’re all in this journey together and we’ve got to make do with what we’ve got. Call it the blind leading the blind if you want, but we’ve got to start somewhere, no? We don’t need to know all the answers, if there are any answers, to start breaking some ground.
Are you doing what you want to do or what you’re supposed to do?
I’ve felt trapped from getting there and the older I get, the more I realized the barriers that keep me from loving freely are mostly created by my own fears and illusions. How many times have you felt pressured into doing something for someone because they’re your family/friend/significant other and that’s what you’re supposed to do for people you love? How many times have your family/friend/significant other overtly or subtly implied you’re supposed to do something because, hello, that’s what love is about? What about all those relationship “rules” you’re supposed to abide by?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things for people, for the record. The problem here is intent. For instance, if you’re in a relationship with someone, are you being faithful because you want to or because you’re supposed to? Are you taking care of your children (if you have any) or your parents or somebody else because you want to or because you’re supposed to? When you say you love a Supreme Being, is it because you want to or because other people told you that you’re supposed to? Maybe you really like or love someone and want to show it … but you think you can’t because that’s the way it is and you don’t want to come off as creepy.
We need to start questioning the foundations of our relationships with others
I’m not bringing this up to tell you that you can stop doing all the things you think you’re supposed to do but don’t want to. Sure, you shouldn’t do what you truly don’t want to. But maybe instead we need to start questioning our relationships with people instead, what is it built upon, why is it that we love a certain person. Are we looking to get something from them and why? Do they really deserve ‘give-and-take’ brand of love? I don’t believe anybody deserves it … so why are we doing it?
There’s more to people and relationships than we can see to the naked eye, that is, what we can get by being associated with them. What about loving somebody for their flaws, too, instead of just focusing on the good stuff? What about loving somebody just because they’re there, instead of focusing on what they’re doing.
Thoughts and opinions?
Again, I don’t have the answers and I still don’t know how to see past certain things, and that includes the barriers I’ve created and the barriers I’ve allowed society to set for me. I’m being very contemplative here and I’m completely open to your thoughts and opinions. My mind is on a runaway train today. So I’m likely going to expand on this in a future post. Let me know what you think.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
hey valerie!!
really love your site. beautiful, simple, superslick design and honest, raw content.
why are we doing it? man. i think the answer to that question – why we’re bad to other people – is pretty much the answer to LIFE
haha.
i just wrote a massive article trying to get to the bottom of it called “You are not the enemy: a festival in the desert & becoming superhuman”
…and i think it comes down to living constructively versus destructively. being bad towards others is living in an overall mode of destructiveness that stems from our deep concepts of separation and wanting to protect ourselves. limitation and ego separation yuck. good news is you can decided to live constructively. starting right now.
awwwsomeness.
keep well and in touch valerie
alex – unleash reality
Hi, Alex… thank you for the comments!
I definitely agree ego and separation plays a big part in it. I’m trying separate myself from that “separation” mindset (haha), but there’s no right way to get there and that’s where it gets confusing, I think. How do you get started on that when everyone else arounds you seems to be so closed off that you feel no other choice than to be closed off yourself? Sure, you need to start looking inside yourself, but you can see how overwhelming this is. We all have years of conditioning and centuries of social barriers built up that we need to overcome. Learning to live constructively just isn’t going to happen overnight. It is a process, but you’re right – what better time than to start right now?
Your article sounds interesting … will be checking it out! Again, thanks for stopping by.
Hey Val, Here is my take on the topic.
You say the blind lead the blind? Because we constantly think we have figured it all out, and think it’s time to teach others. Someone finds some product that seems ot work and now all their friends and family know or bought it.
The very few, and I am convinced the very few open their eyes. Some of the few get scared and close their eyes again because it’s easier to not know nad be told then to realize what is going on.
You speak of this give and take love relationship. The reality most relationships are based on this about 99%. You are always giving something of yourself in exchange for something else.
Everyone has an ego, some know who to control their ego and their emotions. Some can’t.
They start comparing how much they give to how much they got and think they are being undervalued.
You give because you can, because you want to help that person and you know that they need it.
I told you how i drive my mom every morning to work, I do it because I know it helps her and I enjoy doing it (Driving that is) and even spending time with her since she does work a lot.
But you can get all technical and most people do. Parents telling their kids “I work x hours a day and therefor you must…”
This is not giving this is giving something to maintain control and power, your ego. In a relationship its a struggle for power, it is ideal when the power is balanced or when both persons care less who is more powerful, contribute more or who makes more money or whatever.
About freely loving it rather hard when everyone has their defenses up. Ever meet someone and maybe after a while you start enjoying them, but at first you were being nice?
Everyone is operating into one. One individually. The earth is MY home, this is MY money, MY car. It’s funny how people are so possessive about what they think they own. You own nothing. You are just using what is on this earth but everyone is invested in the stupid illusion that they own thing that they are better and more special then everyone else and they deserve more.
When you break the illusion, and start to understand you are at peace. Just look at the monks and people like this. They are like gods compared to the rest.
Sorry for the long comment but I always have a lot to say
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Mac´s last blog ..Life is an Ever Growing Puzzle…
Hey Valerie
Interesting topic you chose to write about! I certainly think that you do not always do something because you want to, but sometimes you do it because its right or ethical.
Like supporting your partners dream of their business or their pursuit of something they really cherish, but you honestly think its a dumb idea. Then you will support them because you of course love them, but not neccessarily their idea.
I think though that with love, its not logical, its emotional, so it doesnt make much sense to question it logically. I think it is best to trust your subconcious and your instinct and just go with it, if it feels good and right, stick with it, if it feels bad, try and find out why and then take another path!
Have an awesome weekend
Cheers
Diggy
Diggy – Upgradereality.com´s last blog ..12 Favorite posts on UpgradeReality
@ Mac: As long as they may be, I look forward to your comments.
It is hard to love freely because of people having their defenses up. I like the way Alex put it how our egos feel a need to separate itself from other people. A part of me wonders how much of an excuse is it to say that other people having their defenses up. Of course, technically 99% of love is give or take (the more you give, the more you will get back eventually). But the way we use it by keeping score of who gets what and how often is a destructive cycle. That’s what’s (figuratively) killing a lot of people. This attitude of “I won’t do or say X until he/she does or says Y” etc.
When you bring up balanced power, that just tells me it’s conditional love. I feel that with unconditional love, power shouldn’t really even be in the equation…. much less a balance of power. Power is an ego phenomenon.
@ Diggy: Of course you can’t just not do anything you don’t want to do 24/7. I don’t believe love is completely effortless like that. I just see so many dysfunctional relationships where people feel so obligated to do things all the time and abide by “rules” and ultimatums, that the feeling is all but gone.
I read something once: “I don’t love you because I need you … I need you because I love you.”
It seems like a lot of people love other people mainly because they need them, and not the other way around.
I agree with you that love is not logical … maybe we ARE trying to make it logical? *shrugs*
But thanks for your comment! It gave me some things to think about…
First and foremost, words will never be enough to define the true nature of love. Human’s perception of love is entirely different from its true essence. I will never claim full understanding of love because my understanding is limited. Still, I want a scratch of its surface.
Love is not reciprocal, it never caters expectation, it has no conditions, it does not follow any reason. In every relationship that we are in, it is not love that binds, but rather obligations. The one thing that prevents us from experiencing love is the feeling of guilt. Love is never about attraction, it is about sacrifice, it is about growth, it is about stepping beyond our self. It is about extending our self to others for the pure experience of oneness.
Walter´s last blog ..Self mastery: the feared path
So I was planning on going to bed… then decided against it…
I think expectations sort of come with the whole “love package” if you will. It’s tough to love someone when they don’t have the same feelings back, as you feel like your emotion is going out in vain and thus being wasted. I think it then turns into a “I should find someone who feels the same way about me” mindset.
That being said, I think there are different levels of love. If you can love someone and NOT expect anything back initially, then I think that’s the key to “loving freely.” It’s when you have premature expectations or hopes that this other person is in turn going to play a major role in your life, that loving freely can be difficult. Even if you tell yourself you’re NOT going to get your hopes up, I think it can happen naturally, and often times you’re not even consciously aware of it.
I’d like to say more on the subject… so maybe I’ll do a “follow-up” comment tomorrow…. do people even do those?
It’s late, I’m tired, and I have no idea why I’m still awake…. hope that made sense!
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