There’s always a lot going on in my head that I have a hard time sorting out or even articulating. So I’m going to try and get some of it out of my system. A lot of times I wonder where I’m going with my life. I know I have potential if I put my mind to it, but theres always days where I doubt myself and I get scared of what the future holds. Sometimes I wonder if I’m meant to die lonely and conflicted with myself. And that’s probably my number one fear.
What do I mean by lonely? I mean not being surrounded by those I love and who love me back, whether it be my immediate family, good friends, or a significant other. Loneliness, in that sense of the word, really is my biggest fear. I don’t always need to literally be surrounded by people. Being surrounded by people all the time doesn’t necessarily mean you are bonding with them. There are plenty of “people” persons who are never alone but still manage to feel lonely. Anyway I am just not that kind of person because I do value my alone time. It’s during those times I am gradually getting to know myself and what I want out of life.
I remember a time where I was open, overly trusting, and an overall happy person. By saying that, I wonder if I’m having a case of ‘good ole days’ syndrome. But no matter. I definitely wore my heart on my sleeve a lot (what normal kid doesn’t?) and I still do, as much as I try to deny it to myself. But I changed and eventually I became pretty angry. By the time I was a teenager, I was lonely and detached. Even though I knew my parents were there for me, I feel like at the time they didn’t quite understand what I was going through. They thought my detachment was rude, they criticized me for it, and frankly I can’t say I blame them. I just didn’t know how else to cope, other than shutting down and trying to protect myself. As you would guess, that made me even more isolated which in turn left me feeling even more frustrated and angry. Angry at the world and whoever was standing in my path.
I just feel so disconnected all the time, from myself and from others around me, including my family and friends. Somtimes feeling like I’m in the wrong body or that I’m in the wrong place. I want to reconnect. I feel like I’m missing a part of me, the old me. I want to get the old me back, but I don’t know how. I know it’s hiding deep down inside and somehow the current me is trapping it out. Every now and then I get a glimpse of the old me and then it disappears again. Throughout the years I’ve gotten good at shutting out other people from my life or at least, what’s going on in my mind. But I never quite realized I was even better at shutting myself out. Well I’m tired of shutting down. I know life is a growth process. I know it’s all about the journey and not the endpoint, because the work is never finished. I just hope that someday, somehow, I can begin to really get my old self back.
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