I’m usually quick to say that we should eliminate comparing ourselves to others from our lives and that until we do so we’ll always continue to face mental turmoil and constant dissatisfaction with ourselves. And for the most part, I stand behind that belief … if comparison is used destructively.
But over the past few days, I’ve wondered to myself: what if comparison isn’t so bad after all? Or even better — how can we use comparison to our advantage?
Say what? Comparison is … good?
I know you must be thinking, “What’s up with this girl? Is she confused?” And, you know, maybe I am. But at the end of the day, we all are. That’s a part of life: making sense of the world around us and experimenting with ourselves. If we knew all the answers, we don’t deserve to be here, in my humble opinion.
And no matter what I like to tell myself, I still continue to compare myself to others. Like whenever I catch up with some of my old, ambitious high school friends and find out that they’ve been out volunteering in Europe or doing awesome work in some of the greatest cities in the world.
Or when I see people who seem to find true love so easily.
Or my internet peers who seem to find their calling, are quite successful at it, and have an immensely supportive network of friends and family.
Of course, not everything is what it appears to be on the surface. The traveling nomad could be dreadfully lonely deep down inside, feeling like they don’t belong anywhere. The high school sweethearts could actually be having a tumultuous love-hate relationship that sends shivers of fear down my spine. And the successful lifestyle entrepreneurs could be waging a constant battle between work and family, dangerously skirting the line between wealth and poverty.
And I’m fully aware of that. But it’s definitely easier to ignore what you can’t see. All I can see is the surface and I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit the pangs of envy that start bubbling up or the twangs of disappointment I occasionally have with the progress I’ve made so far.
You’re probably thinking: “What’s so good about all of that?” Well, nothing. At least if you just look at that part alone.
Just another tool under your belt
The good news is, I usually snap out of it. I mean, who cares what these other people are doing, right? I’m not them and they aren’t me. I’m sure it would be so much easier to not compare myself to them in the first place.
But I’m human. And far be it from me to give you the assumption that I’m perfect and I never have those kinds of thoughts. No, I’m here to tell you I have that crap through my head, just like you, and it’s okay! And until the day I’m able to barricade them out completely, I’ll continue to have them, just like you. And it’s okay!
I digress.
I snap out of it because if I don’t, how can I ever give those people and others the chance to help lift me up — how will I ever give myself the chance to lift me up? Comparison is good, when I use it as a way to see others as inspiration to live my life the way I see fit — and not as competition and a reason to label my life as a failure.
You see, I’ve come to realize that comparison is a tool. It’s not evil in and of itself. It’s something that’s engrained in the human psyche to establish us as the social creatures we are. It’s not something to be fought or resisted — because the more we resist it, the more it becomes a weapon against ourselves.
A tool. Like an ax. If you do not know how to hold an ax correctly, it can’t perform it’s job correctly. If you’re afraid of holding the ax and of the harm it can do to you, the more likely you’ll end up hurting yourself or someone else. If you know how to hold it, if you understand the power behind it — the power to chop wood that builds homes, keeps homes warm — then the ax is working FOR you.
Society’s model of competition leaves much to be desired
Our society doesn’t know how to use comparison. We’re terrified of it. We fearfully worship it. We use it as an excuse for everything we’re doing wrong: hurting and shaming ourselves, others, and the planet; hungrily and aimlessly accumulating wealth and material things; mutilating and selling our bodies. We’ve all become prostitutes in the name of competition.
What if we were to use comparison, and thus competition, in a way that enriches our lives?
What if we used competition as a way to inspire ourselves to reinvent the wheel in order to pursue our dreams — and not as a platform to simply copy someone else’s dream?
How can I use others passions to ignite my own passions, interdependent with theirs?
Because at the end of the day, we are all interdependent.
These are questions I’m still discovering the answers to myself. And I feel like I’m getting closer: the more I hear about other people’s successes and happiness, there’s a growing fire within me. A fire that, instead of burning with envy, burns with a passion to chase my own desires and work alongside my inspiring peers.
Readers: A penny for your thoughts? Drop a line in the comments.
**If you’re new here and enjoyed this post, be sure to subscribe for future posts and updates. And feel free to share this post … I’d really appreciate it! Don’t forget to introduce yourself in the comments. Don’t be shy … I don’t bite. 
You can also add me on Twitter (@valeriemondesir).**
Related posts:
- Why I don’t compete with other women
- You don’t need permission to not “finish” what you start
- You are a citizen of the world (and why I don’t hate America… and why you shouldn’t either)
- Unleash your inner tiger: Speak softly and carry a big stick
- Knowing who you are and why you’re here (and why I have Jeremy to thank)
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
You are so right in that comparison can be a tool for inspiration or to one’s detriment. I recently had lunch with a childhood friend I hadn’t seen in 20 years. An agency I indirectly work for is where her dream job is. Her current career as a college professor is in the profession I dream about undertaking one day. It was so funny how we sat there, comparing ourselves to each other, and wanting the career the other one had. But in that context, we saw it as having a glimpse into our future instead of cause for personal pity parties.
I think healthy comparison is our way of learning our purpose by proxy.
ForNot´s last blog ..Eugenics? Eujoking!
I’m reading The Paradox of Choice and I like how it says to evaluate your next best option, but then stop at that … otherwise, you ruin your final choice by mulling over opportunity cost.
J.D. Meier´s last blog ..The 8 Steps to Wealth
@ ForNot, I loved your example. And “learning our purpose by proxy,” it is. Couldn’t have said it better.
@ J.D.: Opportunity cost is always the Achilles heel here, isn’t it?
You do a great job at relating to people Valerie. I think comparison is the only way to really see what we can do – to measure progress. We have to take someone that has done something and use it as a measuring stick. Otherwise there is no real way to know what kind of progress we are making.
That being said, I believe we should balance the comparison to others and creating our own unique ideas and value – and you’ve done a good job identifying this point in your post. To use comparison as a way to enrich our lives.
Jeremy Johnson´s last blog ..The Ant Philosophy
@ Jeremy: Thanks for your comment, I definitely try my best! You’re right … it does need to be a healthy balance between comparison and creativity.
This is an interesting post Valerie. I feel like there’s a lot to be learned from other people, however, the world around me is constantly being taken in by my senses and indexed by my brain only so I can re-purpose it for myself. The final product of something I’m trying to do doesn’t always really have to measure up to what other people have, but rather it is supposed to add up to the impression that I thought I’d get from gaining whatever it is I wanted.
JR Moreau´s last blog ..Lateral, Exponential and Co-Symmetrical Personal Growth
I’m very prone to bouts of comparing myself negatively with others. Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself and think I haven’t achieved enough. But recently I’ve discovered that many people I know, actually hold my achievements and skills in high regard. This goes to show that your self-perception can often be inaccurate. Good insightful article, thanks.
Samantha´s last blog ..Polyglot (Wannabe)
@ JR: Hello, there! Nice to see you on here. Yep, your comment is exactly what I was getting at. The problem is, of course, we often get caught up in thinking whatever other people do or get is exactly what we’re supposed to be experiencing or doing. Definitely not the case at all.
@ Samantha: Welcome! And that is an excellent point you brought up. We’re so busy putting other people on a pedestal and yet we’re our own worse critics. In essence we treat and perceive other people better than ourselves and that’s where comparison gets dangerous. I so need to remember that myself.
I would definitely agree with this. I think comparing yourself to someone you respect and admire is a great way to see what seperates your behavior from theirs and thus allows you to change that aspect of yourself. For instance, when I compare myself to a friend of mine I can see that he is much more outgoing than I am. I also notice that he is good at small talk and is able to easily and comfortably speak with anyone. I do not have these qualities. In fact, I am quite jealous of his ability to speak with anyone. However, by comparing myself to him I’ve discovered something I don’t like about myself. I can mimic his behaviors if I choose and then slowly – and with practice – do what he does until the day I become less socially awkward. Ha! That sounded kind of bad – I’m not that socially backwards, just an introvert – but you get the idea.
However, if you dwell on comparisons and beat yourself up for not being good enough or not being similar to someone then it can become a serious issue. Like you said, treat comparison as a tool to better your life so that you might improve. Don’t use comparison to beat yourself up. Everyone’s different and you never know, the person you compare yourself to for one trait, might compare himself or herself to a trait you’re better at. It’s a two way street.
Richard Riley´s last blog ..Interview with Regan from The Nu Nu Project
Ah! I forgot to say something. Comparing yourself to others in your field or who are successfull and whom you may want to emulate can really get you inspired! With my own entrepreneurial endeavor there have been days where I haven’t been motivated at all. Then I read a blog post about someone younger than I am or someone who may have had a tough life become extremely successful and location independent and it gives me the motivation and energy necessary to move me in that direction. Comparison can, ultimately, be very damning or very inspiring. It just matters on your perspective and which lens you choose to view it through.
Richard Riley´s last blog ..Interview with Regan from The Nu Nu Project
Valerie, Wow… Two Thumbs Up!!! If I had more thumbs I’d give you more thumbs up. I love reading your post because you have some of the most interesting concepts. I agree we all, deep down inside compare ourselves to one another. When you’re at a red light and you see a shiny, beautiful, 2011 BMW pull up next to you when you know that, that’s what you’re working hard to get (or whatever your dream is) … you can’t help but have a little envy.
But you’ve clearly reminded me that it’s completely healthy to compare as long as it’s done in the right way. Thank you so much Valerie for sharing such a rich, compelling and thought provoking post.
You Rock!!!
PS: I’m gonna start calling you ‘Val’ now cause I feel like a know you!!
Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey´s last blog ..You Know You’re Favored by God When…
@ Richard: I see your site is coming along nicely!
Looking very spiffy so far — clean cut and no drama!
I also use the outgoing example myself to improve myself. Actually, if I’m totally honest, I fluctuate between beating myself over it and getting inspired to be better. I’ve always had a rocky, love-hate relationship with my being an introvert. But I’m getting much better at accepting it. The truth is a lot of so called social people might actually consider themselves introverts, and like you said, may actually admire the “true” introvert for their ability to avoid drama and enjoy “me time.” So in a way, everybody seems to have a little bit of everything in varying amounts and in different situations. Thanks for your comment though, I enjoyed reading and I could definitely relate.
@ Jarrod: Hey there!
You flatter me. And yep, I agree … unless you have the emotional and spiritual strength of 10,000 Buddhas and Jesus’s (Jesuses?) – which most of us don’t … it’s literally impossible to avoid comparing yourself to others at all or even feeling a little envy. And no worries, I’m having to remind myself all the time. We’re on the same boat!
PS: I’m cool with Val, most people who know me well call me that by default. I actually used to hate it, but I got used to it and actually like it now!
Hey! Thanks for the kudos on the site design. I still have quite a bit of work to do to get it to where I want….but its getting there : )
Yes, it does seem that everybody has a varying degree of introvertedness (is that a word? maybe introversion is better…) and extroversion, depending on if they’re with old friends or people they’ve just met and are not comfortable around.
Richard Riley´s last blog ..Interview with Regan from The Nu Nu Project
{ 1 trackback }